Thursday, December 26, 2013

Beer Nuts are Cheap, Easy Food

Bob and Larry have been working in advertising for the last few years. Well, Bob is relatively new and Larry, well Larry has wanted to work in advertising ever since he was a kid. 

Bob got into advertising because he was offered an internship when he was in college. Bob went to college to study literature and creative writing. You see, Bob is a writer. 

Larry just loves tv. Especially the commercials. 

Ever since Larry was a little boy he loved the commercials.  “Mom, It’s on!” Larry would always try to get his mom to watch the commercial where the family is huddled together around the telephone to talk to grandma on the other side of the country. 

“Shut the fuck up you little pig”, Larry’s mom would retort. 

Larry’s little face, all plump with Dominoes pizza crust leftovers, turned to look out the window. Poor little greasy faced Larry, his stepdad would eat all the pizza but leave Larry the crust. 

Larry thought, “Someday I’ll get to eat the whole pizza”. 

And he would. 

In fact, Larry is working on a Dominoes pizza campaign with Bob right now. 

Let’s listen in. 

“How do you convince people to buy this garbage when we don’t even like it ourselves?” Bob asked with extreme exasperation. 

“What do you mean?” With his back turned, Larry whips his head around to reveal a face full of pizza and a silly grin. 

“I love this stuff!” He said with a muffled roar. 

“Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole step dad thing.” Bob remarked. 

“That’s not the only reason I love it.”

“Oh yeah, then why are there crusts left in the box?” Bob asked accusingly. 

“I like to save the crusts.”

“Ah hahaha.” They both laughed. 

“But seriously Larry, I’m starting to feel a little guilty.”

“Bob, I’m going to show you something that has helped me throughout my career, hell it’s helped me in pretty much everything I’ve ever done.”

Larry pulls out a little raggedy notepad that he has written in for years and shows Bob a page. 

The page says in sloppy writing that vaguely resembles a ransom note, 

“don’t ever feel guilty…EVER.”

“Someone told me that once and it had a real impact on me.”

Bob didn’t know whether to laugh or run as fast as he could, back to his dreams, back to his ideals and away from Larry and this empty lifestyle in which he uses his god given talent to manipulate people into making purchases from large companies that don’t care about the health or sanity of an entire society but in fact take advantage of the desperate, lonely people that are looking for anything to give their lives a sense of meaning, of belonging and some sort of purpose. 

Then, suddenly and with intense emotion, Bob ripped the piece of paper out of the notebook and put it in his pocket and stormed out of the building. Actually, he took a hit of the hash pen he bought from the guy with the plaid shirt, jeans and flip flops. 

Now that that was straightened out, Bob and Larry were able to get back to work. 

“Ok” said Larry. “What kind of people like Dominoes?” 

“Poor people”, replied Bob. 

“Good, who else?”

“Fat people.”

“That’s right.”

“Oh and people who were abused by their stepfathers.”

“Let’s not get personal Bob.”

They break out in hysterical laughter. 

“Ah, I love this job.” Larry said with a small tear welling up in his eye.

“Me too”, said Bob, “me too.”