Monday, June 30, 2014

Keep your Vagina out of my IPO

Today, The Supreme court of the United States, the greatest court in the whole wide world decided that if you are a really big company and you have a lot of millions and billions of dollars, then you can basically do whatever you want all in the name of, "religious freedom."

Seems like God might have wanted to chime in on issues such as these, (when he chose the great thinkers of the past, the guys who said you could own slaves and that women should be executed for being raped, you know, the cave men who wrote the bible) thousands of years ago.

Whether god wanted to do something great for religious liberty today, 2000 years ago or 200 years from now when our country as we know it will be called, "The United Hobby Lobby of America", we can rest assured that he is hard at work to make us safe from tyrannical freedom.

You see, religious people, i.e., evangelical christians, all know that freedom isn't free. The true cost of freedom is other people's freedom.

So what does God really think? Is God happy that many will not have access to legal contraceptives that are legal and in no way infringe upon anyones actual rights as interpreted by the President of the United States and are legal?

Does he care that some people don't want to have children? Does it make him angry when we masturbate? How about if we masturbate to the Song of Solomon? Or what if we masturbate while praying? "Dear God, I pray that this feels really good."

Would he be upset if we asked him for a better orgasm, even if it is self induced?

Maybe he would make it feel better just to show off his orgasmic powers.

It's really hard to say.

Really hard.

I bet God is having sex right now.

I'm one of those people who believe in the Big Bang theory.

God Banged it and, shit, how does that go?

I'm not sure but I bet he wishes he used contraceptives.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Don't Sext and Drive (one more attempt at calling attention to a broken political system)

I think the most powerful human instinct is that which is prone to violence.

I'm not saying that our other impulses are not strong, e.g., love and kindness and all that pussy shit.

But fighting, that's an impulse that we all share.

We love it!

It's not really a bad thing, it's just there so we can wrestle alligators. 

We even tell children to fight. "Stand up for yourself Timmy. You don't want to be nobody's bitch."

You know what would happen if children were taught not to stand up for themselves?


Nothing would happen.

Of course they might end up becoming a corporate lawyer and contribute to the horrible situation the world is in when it comes to economics and all that we know about that which is nothing because, what the fuck?

If it makes you feel better you can tell them to believe in god and that they can be peaceful because that is what god wants, peace and love and unity and those who don't accept his message will have a hot iron shoved up their ass for a long time and even when they cry uncle, or uncle Jesus or uncle god, they will have more pain to endure because they liked violence while they were here on earth because they were  a shitty shithead.

So yeah, we should just admit we like fighting and stop pretending everything we do is for some noble purpose. Yes, that guy cut you off and yes he most likely is a cock sucker so honk away but remember, you will probably cut someone else off later in the day and then you'll have to live with what you have done.

But hey, nobody's perfect.