Friday, January 10, 2014

Kids, Bears, and Grouchy Prophets

A guy with a sign that said, “turn or burn” approached me today and asked if I have Jesus. 

I don’t have Jesus. I told him. And I apologized because he really wanted me to. 

Then he said that if I don’t have Jesus I will go to hell. 

I told him that I don’t believe in Jesus or hell, but I’m sure he was a really swell guy. 

That kind of upset him. “He wasn’t just a swell guy” he said, “he is the living son of of the true and righteous almighty god.”

At that point I told him that I have no idea what that even means and walked off and did drugs with a hooker. I prefer the term hooker to prostitute. It just sounds more like 70s porno. I think more people from the 70s went to hell because of cocaine and porn than they do now. I don’t know, maybe God got desensitized to coke and porn, I mean, it’s all over the place, because of the web and Obama not being as hard on the war on drugs and all, and Mexico.  

It made me think about the people who say they like Jesus but hate his followers. How could someone have followers that suck if they were a swell guy?

Totally made me rethink the way I talk about historical figures.

What I'm trying to say is, everyone loves Buddha. But what does anyone know about Buddha? Of course everyone likes gold, fat guys, but what I think they are trying to say is that they love General Tsao.

Either that or orange chicken. 

But yeah, Buddha is not the same guy as General Tsao, dummies. 

So some people love god and they love to tell other people that if they don’t believe in god they are a bad person. 

Obviously they are right about one thing, we are very bad. 

Jesus said we are bad. I guess I have something in common with Jesus. Although I don’t think we are as bad as Jesus did. It’s not that I have faith in humanity, because I don’t, but I do believe that if we get really bored, and hungry, we can be nice. 

I think that’s all the REAL Jesus wanted anyway. He wanted us to be nice. And he knew that in order for us to be nice, we had to be hungry. 

That’s why he didn’t make enough food.