Life is such a routine. I just peed, well, what I remember is washing my hands and looking over and noticing the toilet was just flushed. I couldn’t tell if I peed or not. Then I wondered if I had to pee.
The fact that I didn’t have to pee should have been an indication that I did pee, but I could have just flushed the toilet for no reason, but that would have been weird.
I forget things all the time. I tell myself it’s because I’m getting older and it’s normal and it’s only mundane stuff, but my vision is getting worse too.
So something is going on.
I don’t mind being forgetful, it really doesn’t bother me.
Most of my life is worth forgetting anyway.
I’m not saying there aren’t things worth remembering, it’s just that the rest of it is worth forgetting.
Also, it’s been easier to not get angry.
I mean, I am always angry. It’s just there. But, I have gotten better at ignoring it.
Then, once in a while I walk around all day in an uncontrolled anger simulation.
That is, it doesn’t feel real.
Basically I’ve substituted being mad about every little thing all the time for feeling partially numb/happy and an occasional complete break with reality.
The point is that I remember all of the bad things that have happened to me but a small amount of the good things.
I remember when I learned smith grinds on a ledge, and the day I met April. (she doesn't remember that day though, so yeah, I'm the bitch).
What I do remember is riding my bike into a pickup truck when I was really little. And hitting my face skateboarding when I was 12.
In fact, I can remember every time I hurt myself skateboarding.
I also have the good fortune of remembering arguing with my dad all the fucking time.
So what I’m thinking is, maybe S and M people just want to remember when they have sex.
Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe if every time I go to the beach with friends, or have a nice day with my wife, or see a good movie, or eat something that tastes really good and doesn’t leave me unsatisfied (like Chinese food or cheeseburgers often do), or laugh really hard at something someone says, or say something dumb that makes someone laugh, or skate and not feel achy from years of falling down, or am enjoying a nice view, or if Bernie Sanders gets elected, maybe I can carry around a little whip with studs on it and have whoever is next to me whip me really hard a few times and tell me that I'm a bad boy, just so I won’t forget the moment that would otherwise get lost in the really far part of space that is so far away that you can only see it if you turn around but once you’ve turned around you need to turn around again to see it.
I guess what I’m really wondering is, if I’m going to inflict bodily harm on myself every time I have a happy moment, do I have to wear leather chaps all the time?