Flat Trump Society Gains Traction

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This Truth is a Feeling

I was staring out my window and I saw small, rock like looking thing flying around. It went up and down really fast and then just hovered there. 

Then I went on to the roof to get a closer look. There was a man in a costume standing there, looking for the rock. 

I said, “did you see that?” 

He turned and looked at me. 

He was wearing a Ronald McDonald costume. 

He said, “I did that.” 

I left slowly, pondering what I saw, I thought, I wonder what other mysteries in life there are. 

As I walked down the street, still pondering, I watched a guy in a very expensive car honk at a homeless man who was crossing the street. 

I thought, maybe he has a point, I mean, he does have the right of way. 

Then I tripped over what I thought was a curb, but it was a homeless guy. 

In fact it was THE homeless guy that the car just honked at. 

He wasn’t wearing a mask. 

I guess he figured he’s made it this far. 

Then a guy with a truck with a flag drove by. 

Some people cheered. 

I said, I don’t like flags. 

I don’t dislike them, I just don’t understand why people wave the flag of a country. 

I mean, it’s cool to like your country and everything, but everyone disagrees when they see a flag as to it’s inherent meaning. Like how one person is like, "that flag means my culture", and another person thinks, "that flag means my ideology" and another person thinks, "that flag is the representation of a collected history" and another person thinks, "that flag represents all the bad things that happened my people" and another person thinks, "that flag made me a lot of money" and another person thinks, "I think that flag should be better looking." Then they all fight about those words. 

I told someone that and they didn’t get what I was trying to say. 

Then I ate beef jerky and some chips that were spicy although not as spicy as the bag said they were. 

You know what I don’t get, when people with those wing suits that you fly with really fast try to get as close to the mountain and trees as they can. 

Sometimes those guys die. 

Like, isn’t it enough of a rush to be flying really fast to begin with?

How can you get bored when you’re flying really fast?

I also don’t get how people can like Donald Trump. 

Recently Released Footage Proves MIB Was Based on a True Story

There was this episode of the Twilight zone where an ominous man in a suit brings this trashy lady a box. He tells her that if she pushes the button she will get a large sum of money, but someone will die, someone she doesn’t know. 

She mulls it over a bit and finally pushes the button. 

She dismantles the box to find there are no parts inside of it. 

Then the guy comes back, gives her money and begins to leave. 

She asks what he is going to do with the box. 

He tells her that it will go to someone she doesn’t know. 

Poetic justice. 

Kind of reminds me of where we are right now. 

People are dying and other people, who don’t know them are willing to let more of them die because they don’t know them either. 

But, there is a good chance that some of those people will also die. Most likely because other people they don't know are willing to push their metaphorical buttons at the risk of someone they don't know dying. 

Many have already. 

I think I’m just trying to work out my confusion. 

How have we gotten to a place where a large number of people don’t believe scientists. 

What’s wrong with scientists? How come so many people don’t like them? Is it because they’re nerds?

Is America just a large high school? 

I never really noticed the nerds in high school though. 

There was this guy who snorted some clay powder in art class. He was kind of strange, but obviously not smart enough to be a nerd. 

I guess he could have been a dork. 

I was weirded out by him after that. 

I wonder what he is doing now? 

I think his name was Horshack. 

He might have skated. 

I wonder if he is listening to scientists. 

I hope he never ate a slug. 

I read an article about a guy in Australia whose friends dared him to eat a slug. 

He did and it paralyzed him and he eventually died. 

I bet if a scientist were there and he told him of all the toxins slugs pick up while sliding around all over the gutters and slides and McDonalds counters, he would have listened. 

But yeah, Trump supporters are so weird. 

Thank Man for A.I.

Someone said to me the other day that they were really surprised that the world is in such bad shape because we have come such a long way as a society.

Then they started coughing.

A gross kind of uncontrollable cough.

Like the kind that seemed forced in order to emphasize a sardonic wit, but because they had a huge bite of sandwich in their mouth it became a real, violent, ironic cough.

Fortunately the cough added to the comedy of their initial statement.

I mean, does anyone really believe the world is a better place because we are here?

God, what a sad realization. No wonder they almost choked.

To think that with all the technological advancements we have made, at best, they only serve to bandaid the gaping wound that the human species has inflicted on ourselves, the planet and everything on it.

So now he have nano bots to save the day.

If we were to program nano bots to save us from all of the worlds problems, I'm pretty sure the nano bots would bust some kind of sci fi future A.I. kind of thing where they just kill us off or use us as energy and we'll call foul.

But that's technology. That's how far we've come. We program machines to be honest and when they are we send in super guy to stop them from doing the exact thing we designed them to do.

We're such hypocrites. We're like, "hey robots, save the world!"

And they're like, "as programmed."

Then they whipe out the earth's biggest scourge and we get all butthurt like we couldn't see that coming.

Fucking nerds. 

When in Doubt, take a Nap

My biggest fear isn't public speaking, it's not even dying.

Although, that last one is unnerving.

My biggest fear is reincarnation.

Who would want to come back as someone else?

So you're telling me that if I am good enough I can come back as another person who is a little better than some guy who was trying really hard in life to be a good person so that they could come back as another person who is trying really hard to be a good person so they can come back as another person who is trying really hard to...

Sorry, I just took a bite out of some cheese.

Ok, let's just say that I do put in all of this effort but then I fuck up and get some bad Karma because I honked at an old person (which is a really shitty thing to do btw).

Now I have to come back as someone who is even worse than I am now?

That's insane.

Maybe that idea scares me enough to try harder. Now I'm back at it, trying harder.

Working real hard to be nice.

"Hi, how are you? I am fine."

So far so good.

Who could I possibly be when I come back?

I'm pretty sure my mail lady is a little nicer than me. Maybe I'll come back as her. Only problem is, her job requires a lot of lifting and she doesn't seem to be too strong. So that hurts her back. She probably gets a little cranky with her kids. That doesn't look good. She was hoping to come back as The Rock. He seems nice, plus he's in excellent shape. Also, he's in the movies. But, she snapped at her kid for not putting the lid on the peanut butter jar tight enough and it fell on the ground and now she has to come back as me.

So now I'm back at square one. 

This is a tedious cycle at best.

Or you can come back as a cat or a dog.

This sounds nice if you have a cat lady owner or someone who is down to rub your belly.

But, animals have it pretty rough too.

And how do you get out of that one?

Do you have to be a good boy? Or a really good boy?

What if you're not good at learning tricks?

One of my dogs is good at doing tricks but she's really cranky and the other one is dumb as a rock but is very sweet.

So who's getting out?

Is he going to be a parrot next?

Is it better to be a parrot?

Parrot's are very cool, but sometimes their owners teach them bad words being unaware of the potential reincarnation ramifications.

I think I'll just take up extreme beer drinking.

Alcoholics have no where to go but up.

It's all about the Bitches and the Money

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So I was talking to my dog.

Actually, I was reprimanding her for barking too much.

And then she was like, “the reality is, I bark a lot less than you talk.”

Now, she is obviously right, but I think we can all agree that the real issue here is that she used the expression, “the reality is.”

So I said, “oh, so you think if you add a qualifier to your statement that that somehow validates your position to the point of irrefutability based on a single pithy phrase like, ‘the reality is’, or ‘the truth is’, or ‘to be honest’, or, ‘honestly’, or some other bullshit?"

Really, those are the only ones I could think of.

 But you know, so it would sound like I am questioning her integrity if I disagreed. 

And she was like, “dude, you’re obviously making all of this up because you can’t think of a better way to complain about people trying to make themselves sound more important than they are in an attempt to silence opposition in a discussion.”

So I was like, “um, no, I mean, yeah.”

Then I rolled my eyes and she just laid there.

She knows how to push my buttons.

We didn’t talk for a while after that.

Really, I don’t even remember what we were arguing about.

That happens sometimes.

You get so caught up trying to defend yourself that when you are dismissed and you know they weren’t really listening but just trying to figure out how they were going to prove you wrong with a few words that don’t even have a lot of meaning to them but for some reason sound like they do. Kind of like when people are like, “libtards are fucking stupid.” And you’re like, “well, yeah. We are all stupid and tend to think with our emotions instead of trying to understand what might be lacking in our genetic make up that causes us to hold on to ideas that are not only harmful to others, but also ourselves.” And they agree but still can’t understand why you think it’s weird that the party that always hated Russia all of a sudden doesn’t seem to care at all that there is a very real possibility that their leaders are beholden to them while simultaneously being completely incompetent, and then there’s the emoluments stuff as well as cutting funding for everything good including healthcare and art and feeding old people and children, while increasing spending for the world’s most powerful military and holy shit, this guy has spent ten times as much in one month as the previous president spent in a year on travel and they were all upset about that and now they don’t care and they’re like, “the reality is, I trust him because he tells it like it is and crooked Hillary.”

To be honest, I think she's just fucking nuts. 

Don't Vote, You'll Just Get a Big Head (maybe even an orange one)

I really don’t like writing about politics. So I won’t. What I will do is what I already do and write incoherent anecdotes in an attempt to convince people that we are all extremely dumb and love to hear our opinions validated no matter how fucked up they are and hope that someone might have a thought that sounds something like, “maybe I am an idiot.”

I have had the great luck of being reminded routinely as a child and on into adulthood that I am a vacuous ne'er-do-well, so not to brag, I do have an advantage.

People think they should raise their kids to have self esteem, empathy, a sense of identity and an education.

This unfortunately, is completely false.

It appears that if we are to have any progress as a species, we should raise our children to bully the weak, pray to violent gods who seek only our adoration regardless of their absolute indifference to our pain, and bring dad a beer on command.

In this perfect world, there will be no laws, no technology, (the nerds will have been weeded out with the other evolutionary anomalies) and no prohibition on inbreeding.

In addition to the obvious, no homework, or bathing,

there would be...

No global warming.

No police abuses of power.

No school shootings.

No exes, (you can just kill them.)

As well as all the blood of your enemy you can digest.

At least until around the age of 25 that is, when you are killed by some alpha male who is trying to steal your harem (I mean, sisters.)

I know I might not be selling this well, the truth isn’t always an easy pill to swallow. (For examples, ask pretty much any religious person.)

Whether we like it or not, we would be on our proper rung on the evolutionary ladder had it not been for a handful of grotesque aberrations whose only contribution was to convince billions of humanoid ape mutants that we were intellectually and emotionally advanced enough to own a smart phone and still have thoughts of our own.

As well as remote control machine guns on wheels.

I think the fact that we created them in the first place should have been fair warning.

But hindsight is 20/20.

They are kind of cool though.

Except for the killing of innocent families.

Just the blowing shit up part.

That part is cool.

So yeah, electricity was a huuuge mistake. 

In our perfect world, this generation of barely walking cheeseburger disposal devices would have routinely cleansed itself of itself (as god intended) until, I don’t know, another 2 million years pass and the world is populated with an evolved, fully formed, functional version of the humanoid type.

One that isn’t obsessed with its own survival while subconsciously hoping for its own extinction because deep down it knows we are on a path from being invertebrate to something extraordinary.

That things just aren't right.

They know that our true course involves sacrificing virgins to fire breathing dragon gods in addition to wearing your enemies face in a ceremonial celebration* instead of fucking the whole process up by inventing totally awesome machines that go super fast and make cool noises and destroy the ozone...

Ok, bad example.

Plus, I like cars.

And airplanes. 

Fortunately there are some who know all of this and are fighting to rectify the flaws in our primitive thinking. 

It is instinctual to them.

They are the true saviors of humanity, unencumbered by hope for the near future or a desire to save the dying planet and its inhabitants. For they know that by destroying what we are today, through carbon emissions, wars, marginalizing those of different ethnic and religious backgrounds, denying climate change, persecuting those who teach evolution in schools, prohibiting a woman's right to choose, legislating against same sex couples in any way possible, we will become so much more.

Eventually.

Like millions of years from now.

Because they really are that smart. 

They and only they truly care for the future of mankind.

Unfortunately, they think Trump does too.

* Not unlike sports, your enemy will most likely be exactly like you. So you will in effect be celebrating your inevitable defeat in a ceremony that is both predictive and somewhat ironic.