Words are Fucking Awesome

According to everything that has ever been thought by anyone, life has no meaning.

The statement itself is very meaningful and can make sense out of your existence.

That of course is only an opinion and has been contradicted by the opening statement.

This begs the question.

I really hate when people misuse that expression.

I also hate that we have left behind the great wisdom of the eighties as displayed on the back of the classic Ford truck, (Built Ford Tough) "shit happens."

One of the reasons I like this expression so much is because it is both a literal and figurative statement (not unlike all other statements).

On the one hand, yes, shit does happen. We eat, digest and well, you know....

This can either be a pleasant experience or somewhat uncomfortable.

The expression can also be taken to mean, "a foul odor is present." Or on a positive note, "I had a nice time, it took a while for me to fully appreciate what consumed and in the end I was rewarded with a warm sensation."

Of course there is the common connotation, "something happened that has taken a toll on me both psychologically and emotionally, perhaps even physically. I have no control over it and must focus my energy on things that I can control rather than being overwhelmed by the immensity of said occurrence."

Whatever it means, it takes some thought.

More recently we have opted for a new, more modern sounding expression, "it is what it is."

I find this declaration empty and pointless.

When I hear it I have to remind myself that, "shit happens", because it currently is, happening that is, shit is happening when I hear those words.

Hearing this phrase is akin to the figurative and somewhat literal interpretation of the subsequent expression.

The irony is that the contemporary colloquialism is seeking to negate the inherent emotional association that words and expressions hold, as if in some way, nothing happened, or nothing was or needs to be felt.

I am not sure if that means we live in a desensitized, emotionless age, or that we are too lazy to interpret our feelings.

Perhaps we are so highly inundated with emotionally charged images that our defenses have rationalized a suspension of sentiment in order to protect us from a frenetic bombardment of anxiety causing stimuli.

I think it might have something to do with the internet.

Go to Sleep, Wake Up, Repeat as Necessary

When I was a kid I used to always have these dreams where I was flying. I couldn't fly well though, I was always worried that I was going to fall.

Now when I have dreams that I am flying, I'm in an airplane but the plane is often upside down.

My friend said that we don't remember our dreams, we make them up.

I think we make our dreams up as we are sleeping. We do in dreams exactly what we do in real life, we try to make sense of how we are feeling.

We put ourselves in places that we feel like we either should be or already are.

So last night I was flying in an airplane that was going nowhere, well, it was flying over water, so that was good.

It was upside down.

I didn't mind.

I'm not sure if that means that I feel like I am flying to nowhere upside down in my normal life but it most likely does. Except I'm not flying, I'm most likely sitting on my couch, or in my car. I guess in the plane I would be sitting as well, albeit upside down.

I wonder if they serve peanuts in heaven.

Just be Yourself, Unless No one Likes You

Someone told me that I could make a lot of money if I came up with an idea for an app.

Actually he was a VP, so, yeah. 

That's an ego trip right there.

For those of you who do not know what an app is, you might as well stop reading cause you're like, hella dumb.

I don't have an idea for an app. The app that invents apps has already been invented. Although it is not currently in production.

I had a dream last night about something that was related to something that happened to me today. But it was only vaguely reminiscent.

Like, I could trip out because I had a dream once where there was a blue sky and the next day the sky was blue.

So maybe things are just a coincidence. But maybe, they aren't.

Here's what I mean.

Maybe when you have to make a decision and you feel compelled to not do one thing and say that if you were to do that one thing, you believe that something bad is going to happen that is in no way related to that one thing you were compelled to not do which you were also compelled to do.

We call that superstition.

But maybe what is really happening is that the universe through its use of particles and matter is hinting that because matter is finite and redundant, that when one thing occurs, one path that has already occurred has a positive outcome whereas the other has a negative outcome (of course there might be a large amount of possible outcomes but let's not get ahead of ourselves).

This sounds like paranoia because it is but if you were to think solely scientifically, you would know that even though it is highly unlikely that things function according to this seemingly rational yet highly schizophrenic model, hey, anything's possible.

Sometimes I think like that though. Because I am, ummm, insane.

I do like to explore a small amount of options though.

Also, apparently just because you are good on a skateboard, that does not mean you should be an asshole.

Thanks guy. 

The Adventures of Mike and Jim

A little ant name Mike was friends with a squirrel named Jim. 

They were both cool guys. Nobody fucked with them.

Until one day a crow flew down and bit off one of Mikes’ antenna. 

“This shit is not cool”, said mike. 

All of his friends were worried that Mike was going to lose his cool and trip hard. 

Mike was chill though and didn’t see the point in starting any shit over it, after all, “crows be trippin.” 

Mike used to always say that, even before he got his antenna bit off. 

Jim on the other hand was not that cool about it. 

He climbed up a really high power line one day, just to see if he could find the “little fucker that bit off his homies’ antenna.” 

He was up there and he saw some crows but he didn’t see the one who bit off Mikes’ antenna. 

He did see some other crows though, even one he used to chill with. 

“What the fuck are you looking at essay?” One of the crows yelled. 

“A bitch ass crow I guess”, answered Jim. 

The funny thing is, the crow didn’t do anything in response. I mean, Jim is just a squirrel, the crow could have fucked him up. 

“Whatever punk”, said Jim. 

When he got back down, Mike approached Jim. “Yo homie, I know you got my back but don’t trip off some bitch ass crow.”

Jim knew he was right. He shouldn’t trip off of some bitch ass crow. 

So they went to Whiz burger and got a milkshake, a corndog, a cheeseburger, some jalapeño poppers, fries, onion rings, and some ketchup. 

They didn’t buy that stuff of course, Jim dug some out of the trash and buried it in a nearby leaf pile and Mike just walked around and ate off of people’s plates. They didn’t even notice him because they were too caught up looking at the cute squirrel burying food from the trash to notice. 

Afterwards, they chilled at a spilled puddle of beer and “got faded.” 

Or as Mike put it, “I’m hella faded fool!”

The End

The Earth is like, Hella Old: an in Depth Objective "Historically Scientific" Analysis of the Ham v. Nye Debate

Everyone has been asking me how I feel about the Ken Ham v. Bill Nye the Science Guy debate.

I mean, no one has asked me that.

I don't know why, my opinion is just as valid as anyone else's.

I guess that means that they could pretty much ask anyone else and they would get a response that is equal to mine. So, it makes sense that they wouldn't necessarily ask me. They could of course, but that would have more to do with random chance I suppose, I don't know, statistics class was pretty annoying.

So, yeah, all I can say is, there was no masturbating going on for about, two and a half hours.

I guess that means god won.

I don't really think god is against masturbating though, if he was he probably would have just made our arms shorter.

Then again, we would look funny. But, maybe if our arms were shorter we would be used to it and we wouldn't think it was that funny.

That's kind of like the whole, "is the world 6000 years old or 4 billion" debate thing. We can't know because we are used to it the way things are.

Like if you read the bible you're like, "OMG (oh my gosh) the world is like, 6000 years old, everyone knows that!"

And you're friends are all like, "duh."

But, if you were raised to read books and think and use your brain and not just believe everything some asshole who got his AA at the "The Lord's Living and True Holy Teaching School" and your parents were nice to you and they were like, "we wouldn't lie to you about our absolute ignorance on the subject of science and stuff."

You might actually have an open mind.

Most likely not really but when it comes to stuff like religion, you probably won't believe it.

I'm just saying, either way you'll be a dick but on one hand you will be a dick who doesn't believe the earth was made 12 days before you were born and on the other you will think that there might be a near infinite amount of Earth's all over the universe with a near infinite amount of jerks writing a near infinite amount of really stupid blog posts for a near infinite amount of really bored people reading them. At the rate of about 200 readers per planet, with a near infinite amount of planets, the number of readers could reach the near infinite.

So yeah, Ken Ham needs to get laid and Bill Nye is getting laid right now, bow tie and all.

I guess we know who the real winner is.

Kids, Bears, and Grouchy Prophets

A guy with a sign that said, “turn or burn” approached me today and asked if I have Jesus. 

I don’t have Jesus. I told him. And I apologized because he really wanted me to. 

Then he said that if I don’t have Jesus I will go to hell. 

I told him that I don’t believe in Jesus or hell, but I’m sure he was a really swell guy. 

That kind of upset him. “He wasn’t just a swell guy” he said, “he is the living son of of the true and righteous almighty god.”

At that point I told him that I have no idea what that even means and walked off and did drugs with a hooker. I prefer the term hooker to prostitute. It just sounds more like 70s porno. I think more people from the 70s went to hell because of cocaine and porn than they do now. I don’t know, maybe God got desensitized to coke and porn, I mean, it’s all over the place, because of the web and Obama not being as hard on the war on drugs and all, and Mexico.  

It made me think about the people who say they like Jesus but hate his followers. How could someone have followers that suck if they were a swell guy?

Totally made me rethink the way I talk about historical figures.

What I'm trying to say is, everyone loves Buddha. But what does anyone know about Buddha? Of course everyone likes gold, fat guys, but what I think they are trying to say is that they love General Tsao.

Either that or orange chicken. 

But yeah, Buddha is not the same guy as General Tsao, dummies. 

So some people love god and they love to tell other people that if they don’t believe in god they are a bad person. 

Obviously they are right about one thing, we are very bad. 

Jesus said we are bad. I guess I have something in common with Jesus. Although I don’t think we are as bad as Jesus did. It’s not that I have faith in humanity, because I don’t, but I do believe that if we get really bored, and hungry, we can be nice. 

I think that’s all the REAL Jesus wanted anyway. He wanted us to be nice. And he knew that in order for us to be nice, we had to be hungry. 

That’s why he didn’t make enough food. 

Beer Nuts are Cheap, Easy Food

Bob and Larry have been working in advertising for the last few years. Well, Bob is relatively new and Larry, well Larry has wanted to work in advertising ever since he was a kid. 

Bob got into advertising because he was offered an internship when he was in college. Bob went to college to study literature and creative writing. You see, Bob is a writer. 

Larry just loves tv. Especially the commercials. 

Ever since Larry was a little boy he loved the commercials.  “Mom, It’s on!” Larry would always try to get his mom to watch the commercial where the family is huddled together around the telephone to talk to grandma on the other side of the country. 

“Shut the fuck up you little pig”, Larry’s mom would retort. 

Larry’s little face, all plump with Dominoes pizza crust leftovers, turned to look out the window. Poor little greasy faced Larry, his stepdad would eat all the pizza but leave Larry the crust. 

Larry thought, “Someday I’ll get to eat the whole pizza”. 

And he would. 

In fact, Larry is working on a Dominoes pizza campaign with Bob right now. 

Let’s listen in. 

“How do you convince people to buy this garbage when we don’t even like it ourselves?” Bob asked with extreme exasperation. 

“What do you mean?” With his back turned, Larry whips his head around to reveal a face full of pizza and a silly grin. 

“I love this stuff!” He said with a muffled roar. 

“Oh yeah, I forgot about the whole step dad thing.” Bob remarked. 

“That’s not the only reason I love it.”

“Oh yeah, then why are there crusts left in the box?” Bob asked accusingly. 

“I like to save the crusts.”

“Ah hahaha.” They both laughed. 

“But seriously Larry, I’m starting to feel a little guilty.”

“Bob, I’m going to show you something that has helped me throughout my career, hell it’s helped me in pretty much everything I’ve ever done.”

Larry pulls out a little raggedy notepad that he has written in for years and shows Bob a page. 

The page says in sloppy writing that vaguely resembles a ransom note, 

“don’t ever feel guilty…EVER.”

“Someone told me that once and it had a real impact on me.”

Bob didn’t know whether to laugh or run as fast as he could, back to his dreams, back to his ideals and away from Larry and this empty lifestyle in which he uses his god given talent to manipulate people into making purchases from large companies that don’t care about the health or sanity of an entire society but in fact take advantage of the desperate, lonely people that are looking for anything to give their lives a sense of meaning, of belonging and some sort of purpose. 

Then, suddenly and with intense emotion, Bob ripped the piece of paper out of the notebook and put it in his pocket and stormed out of the building. Actually, he took a hit of the hash pen he bought from the guy with the plaid shirt, jeans and flip flops. 

Now that that was straightened out, Bob and Larry were able to get back to work. 

“Ok” said Larry. “What kind of people like Dominoes?” 

“Poor people”, replied Bob. 

“Good, who else?”

“Fat people.”

“That’s right.”

“Oh and people who were abused by their stepfathers.”

“Let’s not get personal Bob.”

They break out in hysterical laughter. 

“Ah, I love this job.” Larry said with a small tear welling up in his eye.

“Me too”, said Bob, “me too.”