Americans and World Politics

The holidays allow us to let our guards down, to sit back and enjoy the people closest too us.

Until, of course, we are all in Wal Mart battling it out for that new plasma screen tv. Do they still make plasma screen tvs? To be honest, I really don't even know what a plasma screen is. Does it play 1080p?

It seems like 1080p is as a good as it gets, but then again, science is always improving our viewing enjoyment.

I hope that some day we can watch other people eat thanksgiving dinner without having to do anything other than turning on our tv (which is really just an over sized monitor btw.)

Of course we can do that now, but until the experience is truly three dimensional, vis a vis modern technological advancements, we are left feeling flat. Ha. That's a hilarious pun.

In the future televisions will be three dimensional, thus giving us an authentic viewing experience. Because our brains are dumb, we will believe that the experience is real, much in the way we have the false belief that our experiences with other humans are real now.

Advertising will get us to buy stuff using deception with partial truths.

Also, we might fall in love.

People think that without god, there is no hope. I think this is true.

Without god we have no hope. Unless we are hoping for a new bike, or maybe to learn a new trick on your skateboard. Then you have hope. Also, there are other things you could be hoping for. Like, sex.

It surprises me that people will trample each other for a an extra large bag of discount peanuts, but do not have sex. Peanuts are messy, so is sex. Most people do not have allergies to sex but they can be severely injured by a peanut.

Go figure.

The Imposter Club Holds its First Annual Meeting and No One Shows Up

Have you heard the expression, "fake it till you make it"? Of course you have. You probably have used it, we all have. Do you know what it means? It means that people have no god damn clue what they are doing and are hoping that they can convince someone that they are qualified to do something that someone else is most likely more qualified to do but might not be as intense at promoting themselves via social media.

Politicians use this one a lot.

Also, bloggers.

There are some skateboarders who do this too, but I don't write about skateboarding.

I'll give you a hint though, they wear silly outfits.

But back to my main reason for writing this in the first place.

I am a grouchy person.

It's not my fault really. It's not even the fault of all of the people who have jobs that they are not good at and try to hold back the people who actually are.

I think it's the fault of, ummm, foreigners.

Yeah, foreigners are all,  "we have a better education" and "our population is more savvy when it comes to world events" and other bullshit.

I'm not saying that I hate foreigners, but America is the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Where else can you eat fake chicken that is marketed as plump, juicy, ripe from driving around on the highway for three weeks until they are all soft and brain dead?

Mmm, chicken.

Anyway, yeah, don't use that expression. Maybe instead say something like, "I hope I can gain the requisite skills to gain an entry level position and work hard while gaining a deeper understanding of the thing I want to do without neglecting the more important things in life like friendships and cultivating a personality that appreciates other people and personal growth and stuff."

Or something like that.

Just Pretend this is Written In Blue

To me a joke is funniest when it's like, "dude" and they're like, "what man?" and then you laugh at them and they are confused. Or you could fart. If you ever stop thinking farts are funny, then you've gotten old and Captain Hook won.

I met this French guy the other day, he also knew that it was Albert Camus' birthday. Actually, I don't think he did. But the radio told me, so I knew something he didn't.

This guy also does not believe in free will.

He told me that he works at Facebook. Facebook is really big. "At facebook", the French guy said, "we use the fact that people do not have free will in order to create empathy." I am paraphrasing, but I used quotes.

What do free will, Camus and empathy have to do with facebook you might ask? That is a very good question.

It's funny how much information the internet has to think about all the time.

So facebook is filtering its content so you will only read posts that they determine are condusive to creating a more empathetic world, which are based on demographic studies, his words. Which also show that all of us experience the same emotions in the same frequency (not at the same times of course).

Fortunately for Facebook, this will also keep its users happy.

I'm just glad that although big business is primarily concerned with profits at the expense of honest human interaction... shit, I don't think I am glad about anything related to that. Oh wait, yeah, I'm glad that the word empathy was used, even though simply filtering posts that are determined to have an adverse effect on perceptions of positive human reactions can not create empathy and will conversely, inadvertently and without concern, create the opposite effect of fostering intolerance.*

But, it works. So, learn how it's done and you can get a job I guess.

Also, a lot of people don't have a whole lot of interest in facebook, so that's good. Cause, damn, that shit's fucked up.

Oh, one more thing, they know that you are most likely to click on blue things. So from now on, only click on things that are not blue, that should create a real stir. 

*I have no idea if this is the method that they are using to, "create empathy." But I'm sure it's at least something like it.

Postive Statistics From the Newly Formed Positive Statistic Research Group LTD (a Start Up)

I have been made aware that my posts can be a little dismal. So I thought since it's the holiday season, I would make a list of some of the uplifting things life has to offer. **

I saw someone smile today. Then someone gave a homeless guy a quarter.

Pizza is delicious.

Because Halloween is all month this year, coke dealers are doing very well. 

Jesus had good intentions.

Even though there are a lot of hungry children, there are rich children that eat a lot. 

Santa wears his halloween costume for like, three months!

It's really easy to ignore the fact that slavery still exists and that we benefit from it.

Some people have multiple sex partners and do not get stds.

Even though we live in what is effectively a totalitarian aristocracy, the population seems to be generally as apathetic as their congressmen, so we do experience a relative representation.

If people call you bruh, bro, brah, homie, or "friend", you can feel like people care about you. 

Although food stamps are like, $200 a month per family, Dollar stores take them.

If you stub your toe, the pain eventually goes away.

50% of married couples do not get divorced.

There are more countries that we are not at war with than ones that we are.

The police do not harass every ethnic group.

Fast food rarely gives people echoli. Or is it ebola? Either way, most likely you won't get those.

Even though we cram millions of cows into a very small area so that we can eat steak three times a day, they never get lonely. *


And last on the list of positive feel good things, thanks to the 80s, we can see naked pictures of Canada's sexiest man.

*I am not saying that I do not eat steak. I do eat steak. I like it.

**Also, there is a small chance that these posts might get better.  

What Comes out in the Dark Will be Exposed in the Light

I peed in a urinal today. Nobody was watching. I thought someone might come in and watch, so I unzipped quickly and got started. It's not that I can't pee in front of people. I like the challenge of it. And I'm not worried that someone will look over and see my urine outlet.

They call it, "stage fright" when you can't go because someone is next to you.

The fact that we are ashamed of our genitals has to be one of our most endearing qualities. And it's not that you can be unashamed and somehow win, because those people are just creepy.

Yes, you should be ashamed of your genitals. It's what makes you human.

Now, sometimes it's funny to show your friends your, "junk". It's a way of bonding. Of creating intamacy. But the guys running around the nude beach with just a t-shirt on, well, let's just say they live on the margins, kind of like the Wolverine.

I used to dream that I was in fifth grade running around school with only a t-shirt on. Maybe that is their way of confronting their fears.I like to confront my fears, but I'm not going to walk around a nude beach with just a t-shirt, no matter how hot I look, or how many pins it gets on pintrest. Well, maybe if Tom Cruise starts doing it. Or maybe John Lithgow. But even then, I'd be self conscious.

So we are scared that the rest of the world will find out that we have a, "pee pee". What a bunch of pussies. Ha. Sorry.

That was bad.

You know what else is bad? Politicians.

Politicians should all be required to only wear t shirts. That way they would have to acknowledge that they have genitals. Maybe then they would stop exploiting our corrupt system for their own personal gain at the expense of, pretty much the entire world.

I also think port o potties are gross.

Some scientists believe that every possible reality exists. So that means on some planet, in some universe, port o potties are rides at amusement parks. Kind of like a Ferris wheel. Or maybe those ones where you and your friends spin the wheel in order to make the car spin around faster. So, yeah, a port o pottie that spins around really fast.


I don't know which is worse.

"For those Ten Seconds, I'm Free"- Vin Diesel

The other day when I was riding my skateboard, something very typical happened. I started getting anxious about the prospect that I might not be able to perform a certain maneuver that was very important to me. Also, I was scared because skateboarding causes pain and as we all know, "boys don't cry." Well, grown men trying to keep their childhood on a continuous life loop don't cry, or at least it's looked down upon.

Because I have seen a lot of movies and television shows, the image of a skinny, bald, Gandhi type came to my mind. Obviously those guys know how to handle shit because they set themselves on fire when they get upset.

I figure if some dude can set himself on fire because the government won't allow Miley Cyrus to perform her, "wrecking ball" routine at the local temple, I could at least siphon enough calmness out of a posture that they probably use when they stub their toe.

The funny thing is, I knew that it would help. I put my hands together in some quasi Hindu hand gesture prayer pose thing, told myself I was meditating, closed my eyes, hummed a little and entered into what could only be described as Nirvana (like, Smells Like Teen Spirit was playing in the background).

And I didn't do it out of a joke, or mockery. Nope. That was some authentic American incorporated Eastern style meditation.

That is what I love about being an American. We get all the good stuff from other cultures we really don't care anything about.

I doubt they care though. I mean, those guys are sitting there, being deep, having peace and becoming better people all day.

I mean, I kind of feel bad incorporating another culture's thousands of years of tradition into my own selfish, me only, take what I can get at the expense of everyone else so I can pretend I am a fulfilled person while neglecting the more important parts of their philosophy that consist of doing things for other people out of a good motivation.

Kind of.

What really makes me mad is that yesterday this guy who was in line behind me in the Taqueria called in his order making the cashier stop what they were doing and essentially take his order first.

So yeah, this guy cut in front of me by using his, "smart phone." He had a smug look on his face too, like he was so great for figuring out you could cut in front of people by calling in your order while you are in line.

I did not meditate though, I wanted to be mad.

If You're not Upset, You're not Paying Wholesale

I recently overheard someone say, "most people something something, yeah, I'm cool...." I don't understand what that means. There are 7 billion people on this planet, so there is not that much anyone can say about most people, other than, "most people have dna." You can't even say that most people eat, because they don't. Well, maybe most people do.

See how hard that was?

So why do people say things like, "most people don't understand the finer points of putting gel in your hair then messing it up and going out in public like you just woke up because you like, don't even care."

Because they are dickheads.

Anyone who uses the expression, "most people" with the exception of basic human functions is a dickhead.

Most people want to pretend the world is a simple place where the only important things are those which effect them. Oh wait, is that true? How the hell could I know?

I couldn't. But, I have an idea that many people fit that description. At least people who use the expression, "most people" when discussing how great they are. It must be nice to believe that when you do something right, most people do it wrong.

Now, I do believe that most people are pretty retarded. But I also believe that I am pretty retarded.

That raises the question though, am I as retarded as most people?

This is starting to get tricky.

I'll illustrate.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend. He seemed really cool. Also, we had a lot in common. I thought we were having a great time. Then all of the sudden, he had to go.

Then I realized that I was being interviewed for a potential friendship. I thought we were just having pizza. I then wondered if I did that to people. Then I realized that I don't want friends.

Well, it's not that I don't want friends, it's just that I am really busy with my IT software engineering job in finance. So, I have to be selective with the people I spend time. It's not like you can just hang out with people because you get along really well and make each other laugh. You have to associate yourself with those people who will benefit your career ambitions. I know that sounds harsh, but it's a competitive world and sometimes you have to make sacrifices, even if that means not having meaningful relationships and having to settle for people that are nice to you because they believe that you will help them in some way.

It's ok though, you can always marry another career minded person who will read books with you that tell you how to make it seem like you are an emotionally supportive person even though you're both a couple of dickheads.

I mean, most people do that anyway.