Keep your Vagina out of my IPO

Today, The Supreme court of the United States, the greatest court in the whole wide world decided that if you are a really big company and you have a lot of millions and billions of dollars, then you can basically do whatever you want all in the name of, "religious freedom."

Seems like God might have wanted to chime in on issues such as these, (when he chose the great thinkers of the past, the guys who said you could own slaves and that women should be executed for being raped, you know, the cave men who wrote the bible) thousands of years ago.

Whether god wanted to do something great for religious liberty today, 2000 years ago or 200 years from now when our country as we know it will be called, "The United Hobby Lobby of America", we can rest assured that he is hard at work to make us safe from tyrannical freedom.

You see, religious people, i.e., evangelical christians, all know that freedom isn't free. The true cost of freedom is other people's freedom.

So what does God really think? Is God happy that many will not have access to legal contraceptives that are legal and in no way infringe upon anyones actual rights as interpreted by the President of the United States and are legal?

Does he care that some people don't want to have children? Does it make him angry when we masturbate? How about if we masturbate to the Song of Solomon? Or what if we masturbate while praying? "Dear God, I pray that this feels really good."

Would he be upset if we asked him for a better orgasm, even if it is self induced?

Maybe he would make it feel better just to show off his orgasmic powers.

It's really hard to say.

Really hard.

I bet God is having sex right now.

I'm one of those people who believe in the Big Bang theory.

God Banged it and, shit, how does that go?

I'm not sure but I bet he wishes he used contraceptives.

Don't Sext and Drive (one more attempt at calling attention to a broken political system)

I think the most powerful human instinct is that which is prone to violence.

I'm not saying that our other impulses are not strong, e.g., love and kindness and all that pussy shit.

But fighting, that's an impulse that we all share.

We love it!

It's not really a bad thing, it's just there so we can wrestle alligators. 

We even tell children to fight. "Stand up for yourself Timmy. You don't want to be nobody's bitch."

You know what would happen if children were taught not to stand up for themselves?

Nothing.

Nothing would happen.

Of course they might end up becoming a corporate lawyer and contribute to the horrible situation the world is in when it comes to economics and all that we know about that which is nothing because, what the fuck?

If it makes you feel better you can tell them to believe in god and that they can be peaceful because that is what god wants, peace and love and unity and those who don't accept his message will have a hot iron shoved up their ass for a long time and even when they cry uncle, or uncle Jesus or uncle god, they will have more pain to endure because they liked violence while they were here on earth because they were  a shitty shithead.

So yeah, we should just admit we like fighting and stop pretending everything we do is for some noble purpose. Yes, that guy cut you off and yes he most likely is a cock sucker so honk away but remember, you will probably cut someone else off later in the day and then you'll have to live with what you have done.

But hey, nobody's perfect.

Who Designed the Designer, Jeans?

I don't think anyone has ever explained to me why the universe needs a designer simply because it is complicated but god, who is infinitely more complicated, does not.

I thought about this one for a long time. Unfortunately god is infinite and any amount of time is equal to itself in relation to infinity.

So that was a waste of time.

In a way it's cool though because if there is an infinite god then no matter what I do, if I don't want to do it I can do it for a short time and to god it will be equal to all of the rest of the time in the universe.

So, for example, going to work. People think that it makes you a good person for working overtime. But in god's eyes, we all work the exact same amount of time.

That's why I believe in socialism.

It's the same with giving change to homeless people. You can give a homeless guy change every day for the rest of your life but as long as I did it once, in light of infinity, we both did the exact same thing.

So that takes a lot of pressure off.

It's not like I don't believe you should give homeless people change. I mean, they appreciate it a lot more than we do.

When was the last time you counted change to get high?

Yeah, you probably bought an ounce of the chron, threw the rest in your sock drawer and forgot about it.

It also means that I can eat as many cookies as I want.

And Jesus Was Lifted High...

On this day of celebration I am inclined to think of those who are not as fortunate as us. Those who can not, along with thousands of others, gather in a park, or a church, or cathedral, or a sidewalk, or a 7 Eleven, or, the most holy of the holies, KFC.

When I think of them, after I wipe the sweet, hot, anointed oil that drips off of my tender dark thigh, dipped in mash potatoes and gravy, slathered in hot mustard sauce...

ummm, damn that sounds good.

So those who aren't high on grass or god aren't missing anything unless they are vegetarians. Vegetarians should never get high. I mean, when I have the munchies I could eat a bowl of dog penises, is it penises? Anyway, it just seems really hard to be a vegetarian and get high and have someone put a bowl of dog penises in front of you, let alone the Colonel's "secret" recipe.

I dont know, I guess I've just really been craving fried chicken lately.

And it's not because I'm trying to make a statement, or make a positive change, or make my mark, or mark my turf, or bless this mess.

The point is that I like to be patronizing and it is patronizing to say things like, "I can understand why people  need to do that", or "some people need to believe in something."

It's fun, I'm sure youv'e never tried yourself.

Religion is a touchy subject though, even though there are a multitude of denominations and interpretations based on translations passed down through generations which all prohibit masturbation, god that was cheesy. But yeah, the whole thing sounds very plausible until it just doesn't and then you're like, "god damn" and you don't feel the need to apologize, unless of course you are with your friend who believes that god doesn't like that and you realize that their belief is very personal to them and they are a nice, caring person even though they believe that you are a "lost sheep" and that if you don't repent god will be forced to ram bamboo shoots underneath your finger nails for a very long time all the while crying and telling you that you did this to yourself while he is simultaneously dancing with his little angels on streets paved with gold. 

On a lighter more 4/20 friendly note, I bet Rastafarians have way more fun praying than Evangelicals. Maybe not Pentacostals. Ooooh, Rastafarian Pentacostalism! Damn, now that's got to be a rush.

In summation, I saw a lot of red eyes today. All I can say to you guys is, your'e only supposed to eat one wafer, so take it easy out there and remember, you can always confess that you were high, say three hail somethings or whatever and ummm, what was I talking about, I'm really high.

Words are Fucking Awesome

According to everything that has ever been thought by anyone, life has no meaning.

The statement itself is very meaningful and can make sense out of your existence.

That of course is only an opinion and has been contradicted by the opening statement.

This begs the question.

I really hate when people misuse that expression.

I also hate that we have left behind the great wisdom of the eighties as displayed on the back of the classic Ford truck, (Built Ford Tough) "shit happens."

One of the reasons I like this expression so much is because it is both a literal and figurative statement (not unlike all other statements).

On the one hand, yes, shit does happen. We eat, digest and well, you know....

This can either be a pleasant experience or somewhat uncomfortable.

The expression can also be taken to mean, "a foul odor is present." Or on a positive note, "I had a nice time, it took a while for me to fully appreciate what consumed and in the end I was rewarded with a warm sensation."

Of course there is the common connotation, "something happened that has taken a toll on me both psychologically and emotionally, perhaps even physically. I have no control over it and must focus my energy on things that I can control rather than being overwhelmed by the immensity of said occurrence."

Whatever it means, it takes some thought.

More recently we have opted for a new, more modern sounding expression, "it is what it is."

I find this declaration empty and pointless.

When I hear it I have to remind myself that, "shit happens", because it currently is, happening that is, shit is happening when I hear those words.

Hearing this phrase is akin to the figurative and somewhat literal interpretation of the subsequent expression.

The irony is that the contemporary colloquialism is seeking to negate the inherent emotional association that words and expressions hold, as if in some way, nothing happened, or nothing was or needs to be felt.

I am not sure if that means we live in a desensitized, emotionless age, or that we are too lazy to interpret our feelings.

Perhaps we are so highly inundated with emotionally charged images that our defenses have rationalized a suspension of sentiment in order to protect us from a frenetic bombardment of anxiety causing stimuli.

I think it might have something to do with the internet.

Go to Sleep, Wake Up, Repeat as Necessary

When I was a kid I used to always have these dreams where I was flying. I couldn't fly well though, I was always worried that I was going to fall.

Now when I have dreams that I am flying, I'm in an airplane but the plane is often upside down.

My friend said that we don't remember our dreams, we make them up.

I think we make our dreams up as we are sleeping. We do in dreams exactly what we do in real life, we try to make sense of how we are feeling.

We put ourselves in places that we feel like we either should be or already are.

So last night I was flying in an airplane that was going nowhere, well, it was flying over water, so that was good.

It was upside down.

I didn't mind.

I'm not sure if that means that I feel like I am flying to nowhere upside down in my normal life but it most likely does. Except I'm not flying, I'm most likely sitting on my couch, or in my car. I guess in the plane I would be sitting as well, albeit upside down.

I wonder if they serve peanuts in heaven.

Just be Yourself, Unless No one Likes You

Someone told me that I could make a lot of money if I came up with an idea for an app.

Actually he was a VP, so, yeah. 

That's an ego trip right there.

For those of you who do not know what an app is, you might as well stop reading cause you're like, hella dumb.

I don't have an idea for an app. The app that invents apps has already been invented. Although it is not currently in production.

I had a dream last night about something that was related to something that happened to me today. But it was only vaguely reminiscent.

Like, I could trip out because I had a dream once where there was a blue sky and the next day the sky was blue.

So maybe things are just a coincidence. But maybe, they aren't.

Here's what I mean.

Maybe when you have to make a decision and you feel compelled to not do one thing and say that if you were to do that one thing, you believe that something bad is going to happen that is in no way related to that one thing you were compelled to not do which you were also compelled to do.

We call that superstition.

But maybe what is really happening is that the universe through its use of particles and matter is hinting that because matter is finite and redundant, that when one thing occurs, one path that has already occurred has a positive outcome whereas the other has a negative outcome (of course there might be a large amount of possible outcomes but let's not get ahead of ourselves).

This sounds like paranoia because it is but if you were to think solely scientifically, you would know that even though it is highly unlikely that things function according to this seemingly rational yet highly schizophrenic model, hey, anything's possible.

Sometimes I think like that though. Because I am, ummm, insane.

I do like to explore a small amount of options though.

Also, apparently just because you are good on a skateboard, that does not mean you should be an asshole.

Thanks guy.