Tuesday, December 29, 2015

All the Things I hate about Skateboarding

I don't normally write about skateboarding because I skate for the love, not for the money.

That means I don't sellout.

It also means I have never been offered the opportunity to sell out.

Either way, I kept it real.

Like when I first started skateboarding, I drew on my grip tape like Lance Mountain and Cab and I pegged my pants and didn't wear socks in my Vans.


Then Matt Hensley bleached his hair and we ALL did too.

I wish I could have a picture of all the skateboarders lined up against the wall in 1989.

Basically it would look like a multiethnic nazi youth rally.

But, we would all be doing kick flip melons, so FUCK YOU!

Then I listened to NWA and Guns and Roses at the same time. Yup, no fucks given.

Oh, but I forgot to say how Junior High was the best time in my life because we would all meet up before school and this guy who had a moped would pull like 20 of us at once and we must have been only going 5 miles an hour because those things got no juice.

And we would try, "street plants."

And no, I didn't smoke like that one kid.

Then in high school everyone got good and we were like, yeah dog.

Then things took a little turn.

Our pants got really bright, really big, and kind of high watery.

But, still, NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Because it was the shit.

Skate fashion takes risks, OK?

Then we toned it down, a little.

Just a little. Pants were still big.

Big and cargo.

Nike shirts and adidas shoes, hat sideways.

Shoes were laced, properly.

I have to admit, this was a tough time.

There was just a lot of pop and steez out there, much like today, but better steez. Well, there is a lot of good steez today, but also a lot of, not.

Old guys will tell you, when they were younger, things were as they should be.

So, I'm going to skip past the Osiris time, and to some extent Shorty's, with the exception of Smolik. The other guys ripped, I was just older and not paying as much attention and Chad and Jamie were way too hype.

Then PJ Ladd or something.

New kids, shifty nollie heel, no thanks, watch Mouse again (I know, typical).

Still skating though.

Totally grown up and shit, whatever.

Then there is now (how do you make a sound of a shovel being smashed in your face by all the internet videos that give you internal ass zits?)


So now there is a lot going on and people are wearing all kinds of things and doing all kinds of tricks and there are things here and there and your'e like check this out and your friend is like, "that's wack" and they're like, "check this out" and your'e like, "that's wack" and you silently agree to disagree and secretly think your friend is tripping on some bullshit but they're tight and your'e both sad, bitter morons who can't admit it but you still seem to have a lot of fun and can even talk about whatever and it's all good.

So yeah, I got a pair of half cabs for christmas.

It's not old school either, you can just do that shit now.

Oh, and if I you didn't notice, the way the words are intricately placed, if you blur your vision (yeah, vision) you will notice the word GONZ start to come toward you in 3D.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

No, I'm not Talking about Donald Trump and Muslims

I really like the idea of alternate universes. Aliens too.

That's why I like Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty is my favorite cartoon.

Looney Toones used to be my jam as a kid, "this time I didn't forget the gravy."

Sadistic shit.

Fortunately cartoons are really edgy and social commentary.

I like commenting on social… stuff.

Like how everyone thinks things about everything, like who should be allowed to be a human.

I always think about who should be allowed to be a human.

A lot of the time I think that tech people from the midwest aren't allowed to be a human.

Sometimes I will let skateboarders from Canada be human, sometimes.

Canadians have free health care, so they can take it.

The point is, there is no free will.

It's like if someone offered you a beer and you were thirsty and wanted a cool buzz.

You would drink it.

But if someone peed in it, you wouldn't drink it.

Unless no one told you there was pee in it.

Then you would drink it and say, "this tastes like pee."

But you would drink it anyway because a lot of beer tastes like pee.

Only when it's warm though.

That's why I like my beer, "Cold Brewed."

Whatever the fuck that is.

But also if you liked the taste of pee you would drink it. But if you don't like the taste you wouldn't drink it. But if you thought pee was good for you you would drink it. Unless someone said pee was bad for you you wouldn't drink it. But if someone paid you $10000 dollars to drink it you would drink it. Unless you were rich, then you wouldn't need the money so you wouldn't drink it. Unless you were trying to impress your other rich fraternity brothers then you would drink it. Unless your rich fraternity bothers thought it was cool to drink it but you realized they weren't' cool because they were racist assholes then you wouldn't drink it. Unless they threatened to beat you up then you would drink it.