Tuesday, December 29, 2015

All the Things I hate about Skateboarding

I don't normally write about skateboarding because I skate for the love, not for the money.

That means I don't sellout.

It also means I have never been offered the opportunity to sell out.

Either way, I kept it real.

Like when I first started skateboarding, I drew on my grip tape like Lance Mountain and Cab and I pegged my pants and didn't wear socks in my Vans.


Then Matt Hensley bleached his hair and we ALL did too.

I wish I could have a picture of all the skateboarders lined up against the wall in 1989.

Basically it would look like a multiethnic nazi youth rally.

But, we would all be doing kick flip melons, so FUCK YOU!

Then I listened to NWA and Guns and Roses at the same time. Yup, no fucks given.

Oh, but I forgot to say how Junior High was the best time in my life because we would all meet up before school and this guy who had a moped would pull like 20 of us at once and we must have been only going 5 miles an hour because those things got no juice.

And we would try, "street plants."

And no, I didn't smoke like that one kid.

Then in high school everyone got good and we were like, yeah dog.

Then things took a little turn.

Our pants got really bright, really big, and kind of high watery.

But, still, NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Because it was the shit.

Skate fashion takes risks, OK?

Then we toned it down, a little.

Just a little. Pants were still big.

Big and cargo.

Nike shirts and adidas shoes, hat sideways.

Shoes were laced, properly.

I have to admit, this was a tough time.

There was just a lot of pop and steez out there, much like today, but better steez. Well, there is a lot of good steez today, but also a lot of, not.

Old guys will tell you, when they were younger, things were as they should be.

So, I'm going to skip past the Osiris time, and to some extent Shorty's, with the exception of Smolik. The other guys ripped, I was just older and not paying as much attention and Chad and Jamie were way too hype.

Then PJ Ladd or something.

New kids, shifty nollie heel, no thanks, watch Mouse again (I know, typical).

Still skating though.

Totally grown up and shit, whatever.

Then there is now (how do you make a sound of a shovel being smashed in your face by all the internet videos that give you internal ass zits?)


So now there is a lot going on and people are wearing all kinds of things and doing all kinds of tricks and there are things here and there and your'e like check this out and your friend is like, "that's wack" and they're like, "check this out" and your'e like, "that's wack" and you silently agree to disagree and secretly think your friend is tripping on some bullshit but they're tight and your'e both sad, bitter morons who can't admit it but you still seem to have a lot of fun and can even talk about whatever and it's all good.

So yeah, I got a pair of half cabs for christmas.

It's not old school either, you can just do that shit now.

Oh, and if I you didn't notice, the way the words are intricately placed, if you blur your vision (yeah, vision) you will notice the word GONZ start to come toward you in 3D.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

No, I'm not Talking about Donald Trump and Muslims

I really like the idea of alternate universes. Aliens too.

That's why I like Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty is my favorite cartoon.

Looney Toones used to be my jam as a kid, "this time I didn't forget the gravy."

Sadistic shit.

Fortunately cartoons are really edgy and social commentary.

I like commenting on social… stuff.

Like how everyone thinks things about everything, like who should be allowed to be a human.

I always think about who should be allowed to be a human.

A lot of the time I think that tech people from the midwest aren't allowed to be a human.

Sometimes I will let skateboarders from Canada be human, sometimes.

Canadians have free health care, so they can take it.

The point is, there is no free will.

It's like if someone offered you a beer and you were thirsty and wanted a cool buzz.

You would drink it.

But if someone peed in it, you wouldn't drink it.

Unless no one told you there was pee in it.

Then you would drink it and say, "this tastes like pee."

But you would drink it anyway because a lot of beer tastes like pee.

Only when it's warm though.

That's why I like my beer, "Cold Brewed."

Whatever the fuck that is.

But also if you liked the taste of pee you would drink it. But if you don't like the taste you wouldn't drink it. But if you thought pee was good for you you would drink it. Unless someone said pee was bad for you you wouldn't drink it. But if someone paid you $10000 dollars to drink it you would drink it. Unless you were rich, then you wouldn't need the money so you wouldn't drink it. Unless you were trying to impress your other rich fraternity brothers then you would drink it. Unless your rich fraternity bothers thought it was cool to drink it but you realized they weren't' cool because they were racist assholes then you wouldn't drink it. Unless they threatened to beat you up then you would drink it. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Give us our Nuts Back Vince

Once I was in the woods and I noticed this really fat squirrel. Now, I don’t have anything against fat squirrels, I just noticed he was fat because I was also noticing how all of the other squirrels were really skinny.

I thought that it might have been a trend for all of the squirrels to eat their nuts and then go to the bathroom and stick their tiny little claws down their tiny little throats and well, basically what I’m saying is it was beach season and we all know how narcissistic and insecure squirrels are.

But then I noticed something. The big fat squirrel was chasing the other squirrels away when I tried to give them a piece of my asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese.

I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck would give a bulimic squirrel an asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese?

Only an asshole.

But they were cute and I was really hoping they would be my friends.

Kind of like how I sometimes send Matthew McConaughey hand written letters telling him how I think it is really cool that he commits to roles by learning an accent and losing a lot of weight and taking up cigarette smoking in order to play one of the most interesting and convincing characters that I have ever seen on tv and a heartthrob in Dazed and Confused and really just cause me to rethink the whole sexuality thing to the point where it’s not even about sex any more but really about just needing something that it seems like he might have and if he would only take the time to hear me out we might become really close friends and maybe he could introduce me to Woody Harrelson.

But mainly people would think I was important because I was friends with Matthew McConaughey.

And everyone knows that if you are friends with someone important you are basically as important as they are.

Oh yeah and then some guy told his kids that it was ok that the big fat squirrel got all the food because he was obviously smarter and worked harder than the other squirrels and that meant that they should be kicked out of the tree they lived in for the past twenty years because they weren’t interested in coding… I mean, gathering nuts.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I Feel Your Pain, Because you Hit Me

I was recently talking to someone about a, "hot button issue", wait, is it hot button? I thought I heard that somewhere.

Seriously, I can't keep up.

I think it should be hot button because we click on buttons all the time.

It's pretty much all that we're about.

When people say they are, "about that life", they're talking about clicking buttons.

So yeah, we did not agree.

The funny thing was, they were like, totally wrong.

Don't you hate that?

I do.

So when I explained to them that they were wrong, their response was, "you're a doody face."

I have to admit, I didn't see that coming.

So back to me being right, it sure feels good.

I love being right in an argument, it's always better than whatever boring ass topic we are talking about.

This one was about race though, oh yeah, two white people talking about race. Of course shit got eentense.

So I was like, "I have a black friend" and they were like, "I read a book about slavery" and the gloves were off.

They were all, "you shouldn't be condescending because you are white" and I was all, "you sound paternalistic."

And they said, "I'm glad I didn't go to grad school."

That one caught me off guard though, because if you don't go to grad school, you can't give presentations to groups of all white people and tell them that they are all racist with the exception being yourself because since you acknowledge the inherent racism in our species that in some way exempts you from said inherent racism while maintaining a lack of belief in an inherent racism (which is what you were arguing against but really were arguing for without knowing it) although it is for white people and not everyone else which ironically is a racist position but you don't think so because you don't want to because you want to believe that all racism is a learned behavior which raises the mathematical likelihood that not all white people would be raised in an environment conducive to a racist outlook but that makes your argument fall apart because all white people are racist with the exception of yourself, which is, (sigh) a contradiction.

It's more satisfying to tell people they are racist in person than on the internet anyway.

Oh, and you can really piss people off by defending the fact that you are a, "white man."

People hate that one.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Adventures of SHOWERHEAD!


When we first meet him, Showerhead is unaware of his hidden potential.  Like any other super hero, shower head thinks he’s just a normal, dumb, boring asshole.

Showerheads girlfriend walks in.

“Hey asshole, make me breakfast loser.”

“Ok.” He says with an odd excitement to please her.

Showerhead makes his girlfriend breakfast, not knowing that he has the ability to not do that.

“Here you go, do you like it?”

“It’s ok pussy.”

“Now go to work and make money so you can buy me shit.”

Showerhead’s girlfriend says as she sits on the couch wearing sweatpants.

Showerhead goes to work. On the way to work, someone almost runs him over on his bike.

“Watch out nerd!”

A football player yells out of the window of his truck.

An old lady standing on the street corner laughs, “That guy is such a pussy.”

Showerhead's real name is Jim, but no one cares and we will continue to call him Showerhead as at some point in the story he will realize the hidden potential that will be revealed to him in the shower. Unfortunately Showerhead is kind of slow and it takes him quite some time before he discovers his special gift.

For now, we can enjoy how poorly everyone treats him.
Showerhead walks into work, he works at an electronics superstore.

“Hey bitch! Get me those speakers for my car!”

Some fat guy said.

Jim, that is, soon to be Showerhead pulls the speakers off the top shelf and accidently drops them. Of course it is likely that he subconsciously dropped them on purpose as they are the last of their kind on the shelf.

But no, it is not his time, he is just a clumsy asshole.

Showerhead hangs his head in shame as everyone in the store circles around in order to laugh at him.

"You’re fired! His boss said."


Showerhead walks home as someone stole his bike.

There is a note where the bike was.

“Hey loser, your bike sucks but I wanted to steal it because you suck.”

“Wow, people really don’t like me.”

Showerhead is really feeling down now.

I’m going to go home and take a shower.

A little light bulb appears above showerheads head.

But it turns out it was just a street light turning on.

Showerhead is now in the shower.

“Hey, I deserve respect. I don’t think people should talk to me the way they do.”

Then Showerhead looks up and realizes that he feels very confident in the shower.
I know what I’ll do.

Showerhead removes the showerhead from the shower and heads to the basement.

“Where do you think you’re going, give me an orgasm loser.”

Showerhead's girlfriend is very unattractive.

Showerhead holds the showerhead over his head.

“NO!” he says confidently.

“Well, maybe later.”

But that is only because he is horny.

Showerhead's girlfriend has a baffled look on her face, baffled, but aroused.

Zoom to armpit stains.

Showerhead spends an hour in his basement trying to get his showerhead on but is really confused.

Then, from the darkness appears, “SHOWERHEAD!”

Monday, February 9, 2015

Click Here and Make Money, well, Make Me Money

So I finally got approved for advertising on this thing.

I really am excited about this.


Not because I am going to make money, I will not make money. That is a proven statistical anomaly.

I am excited because we live in a time when the only true measure of one's worth is the amount of money companies are willing to invest into your existence.

Now the ad for removing warts, some gun company and the one in Spanish are really not investing a whole lot in me as a person but, the fact that on some level, some person at some place pushed some keys on a board and sent an email to someone else at some other place that had my name on it, well that's simply modern day validation at it's best.

I know that some of you are thinking that what is more important is to live a life of relative anonymity in which you are loved by perhaps only a few people who are in themselves inherently valuable.

But you're wrong.

I hate to say it but it is clear that the times of spiritual, emotional, artistic and even aesthetic authenticity are over.

All that shit has been been cut and pasted into a folder where all someone at a desk has to do is chop it up into 3 second increments in order to give you whatever sensation you need to get through the day, like a cup of coffee.

And this is a good thing.

I swear, I can wake up, feel five different emotions in less than a minute, believe that I am part of the collective human experience and then go on with the rest of my day making money at a job where I am part of the whole wonderful system of packaging the human experience and selling it to telephone companies.

Look, if ATT can make you feel like love is real and you are living in a beautiful world and Tinder can get you sex to your door in 30 minutes or less, well, we already have pizza delivery so what else do you want?

Ok, beer.

Oh wait, there is an app that will get you beer too.