Thursday, July 25, 2013

Science in the Real World

My dogs really like to sniff (and sometimes eat) some pretty displeasing stuff. For example, poop. I was walking by a warm pile of my dogs poop recently and I thought, you know, if I really cared about the scientific method, I would do a little experiment.

Because I have no real scientific understanding or equipment (I can barely watch Neil DeGrase Tyson for more than a few minutes because everyone loves him so much) I have to make do with the resources that I have.

So, of course I could smell the poop without trying, it was pungent as usual. My dogs tend to have very consistent stools. Of this I am a little jealous.

Back to the experiment. My dogs love shit, but they hate bananas, well, Stella hates bananas. She also doesn't like other delicious things, but she eats cat turds. Now, I will never smell a cat turd on purpose. I don't know, I just don't trust the feline digestive system.

Years ago I used to smoke pot and make food that should not have been consumed. Like, top ramen with strawberry jam fried in a pan. Because I was high (and starving) I convinced myself I was eating chowmein, and I enjoyed it. In retrospect it does sound better than the packet of ketchup my friend put in hot water that he was convinced tasted like tomato soup (and he wasn't even high, just starving). 

Long story short, I tried to be objective, I allowed myself to process the odor of the turd. For a second it smelled like salami. I thought, "maybe there is something to this." Whether there was or was not, the inevitable defense mechanism that says, "do not eat dog shit" came into play.

I would say I was dissapointed at my lack of control over my impulses, but in reality, I appreciate them. My dogs are not protected in this way. They smell shit, it smells like salami (I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt) they eat it, then they throw up.

The weird thing is, we have impulses to keep us from eating dog shit, but we don't have impulses that keep us from being dicks. In fact, we have impulses that make us act like dicks. I really wonder about the whole survival thing. We know not to eat dog shit, but we still act like dicks.

*Neil is not a dick, but he knows one when he sees one. 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Being Sick is for Sissies and Anyone who doesn't want to go to Work that Day

I've been sick for four days now.

Nobody cares though.

My "friends" don't care because they're not sick and they can just ignore me until I'm better. How convenient.

My dogs can't tell the difference because they're dogs. And I suck so, they don't care.

I didn't want to get serious, but I just never understood apostrophes. I mean, it takes more effort to find the apostrophe button than it does to simply write the letter.

I think it's kind of pretentious. So, if I write, "I do not think such and such is a great Cabernet" I sound like a dick, but if I write, "I don't like mixing beer and vodka" all of the sudden I'm some kind of cool guy.

What a double standard.

It takes the same amount of effort to write, don't as it does, do not.

This is the problem with the world. We are all just a bunch of hypocrites.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Really Sad Story with a Moral

A bird flies around. The trees wonder if he is going to land on them. They wait in anticipation. Suddenly, a squirrel runs up a tree. The bird flies off. The other trees look at one another. They saw the lone squirrel and hoped he would climb them next.

The bird flies home and tells his friends that all of the trees have squirrels in them. The other birds do not believe him, they wonder why he would make up such a story, but, they are scared of squirrels.

The nights grow cold and the leaves fall off of the trees. The squirrel wonders why he hasn't seen any birds lately. The fear of impending isolation makes him fold his arms and huddle on the ground. He is well stocked up for the winter, but he hears no sounds of life, no chirping, no flapping of wings. His heart beat feels soft.

His thoughts turn to the previous spring. He imagines thousands of birds flying around. He runs up to a high branch to get a better view. Their erratic patterns and cacophony of sounds delights his little squirrel senses.

He feels for a moment that he is not alone. He hears a chirp, but it was only the crackling of a branch that fell under the weight of an abandoned nest full of dewy leaves. He turns his head rapidly thinking someone was behind him. But no one is there.

The squirrel falls asleep in the same spot that he stood for what seemed to be days, tired, alone.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Lost in Strangulation

Today I hit my head on the ground.

Like, I jumped off of my skateboard onto my head.

Then, I got up.

I'm pretty sure I said something to the effect of, "did you see that?"

I don't remember saying those exact words but, it seems like something someone who just jumped onto their head skating down a hill would ask his friends.

Then I got back on my "axe" and wondered if I was going to have a headache later. I thought that I might, but what I was really hoping was that it would not turn out to be one of those concussions that kill you peacefully in your sleep.

Maybe tomorrow I will imagine that I was supposed to die because of the concussion, but since I had such a powerful determination to live, I was able to wake up.  It could be called, "A Triumph of the Human spirit."
Basically how movies typically emphasize a specific event in the characters lives.

This period of my life will also have a title. I think I will start titling all of the moderate to major events in my life. That way I can feel like I live in a movie and won't have to pay so much to watch other people's moderate to major events.

I would say that the one time when I switched Junior High Schools was that time. It was called, "what the hell am I doing in this school?"

Speaking of having a whole new lease on life. How many new leases can you get? I've pretty much only had one, and now even though I still have some of that lease left, I can appreciate the idea of a new, new lease on life. I hope you can't build up a tolerance on new leases on life. That would be rough. Like, what if you could have a new lease on life and just sit on the couch staring at your fat belly wishing you had kettle corn? 

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Flight of the Dumb Dork

Because of my firm dedication to the truth, I realize that I can not only talk about things that I hate because they suck. I also need to talk about the good things in this world. Now we know that words such as goodness and truth only hold the substance that we attribute to them. That means that I can simply say that I find hating things to be good and true. That would be the easy way out, and I am all for taking the easy way out.

But, I do like some things so, even though it is boring to talk about things that you like, I'll try and make it interesting.

Pizza. Duh. It would naturally follow, people who serve me pizza.

Ok, so obviously there are a crap load of things that everyone likes, like pizza and orgasms. I'm going to try and skip those.

So how about things that I like that aren't one of those obvious things that everyone likes.


No, not shit. Well, I like a good shit. But, everyone does, so, still obvious.

I am having a hard time with this one. I guess I'm just a simple guy.

When I was around 15, I was trying to catch a bus so I rode my skateboard across a very busy intersection without looking. Then a car ran me over. Fortunately I did not get hurt. But, my board got ran over. The guy got out of his car and looked very upset. I said, "my board is broken" (it was a BBC, Bad Boy Club skateboard) hoping he would give me money. He did not appear to be reaching for his wallet. I saw the bus about to drive off, so I ran toward it and jumped in.

The other time I got hit by a car I was 13. I did not run a red light like I did when I was 15. However, a man with his family in his station wagon ran a stop sign and I flew over the hood of his car. I did not get hurt this time either. I remember his wife looking back at me and shaking his shoulder. It reminded me of something out of a movie.

I like those memories. Although I hope to not repeat them.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Ultimate Cure for Boredom

I went to the beach the other day. It was nice. I love the beach. Something really intense happened to me when I was at the beach. I got bored. I got bored at the beach because I am insane.

Then I realized, we are all bored. That's why we wear fucked up clothes, become religious, have sex with animals, and talk about drinking coffee. We just get bored.

I equate everything we do to some kind of survival instinct. So how does boredom stem from an impulse to survive when you're alone on the great plains (or wherever people surviving used to live)?

Hate makes sense, violence and creativity, the need to kill, but being bored? It seems like if you were trying to survive on instinct alone without modern convenience you would not have time to be bored. So maybe that's the point, we have too much free time.

But I like free time. I like doing nothing, but then I get bored and I want to do something. Sometimes I get excited, this is usually when I'm hungry.  Survival impulse kicks in, time to kill something and eat it! That's exciting. So I get up, walk to the microwave and pop in a plastic container with something frozen that someone else killed (someone who maybe isn't as bored as me, but still bored nonetheless). Now I'm not hungry, and I'm back to being bored.

Boredom makes us crazy. It makes us name our pets after shit (not shit like "stuff" but shit like feces). Like, "here's my cat, Poopoo Buttons". We do insane stuff like that and everyone thinks it's funny, because they're bored too.

And it doesn't stop there. It doesn't matter if we are doing things, we still get bored. World rulers get bored, so they start wars. Rich people get bored, so they lobby to get poor people to pay higher taxes while they get tax cuts. Religious people get bored, so they have gay sex and preach against the "abomination" on Sundays.

Some people really go crazy because of boredom (like really crazy). We call them, mentally ill.

We don't like mentally ill people very much though, even though they seem to have found a cure for boredom.
Maybe they remind us how close we are to insanity.
I mean, we do a lot of crazy things.

We talk to god. We buy lottery tickets. We eat popcorn in movie theaters.  We say things like, "Vince Vaughn is a good actor". We dream of being famous, or meeting a famous person. We vote for republicans. 

It's even considered normal to watch tv shows about people who have a lot of money but are really dumb and waste all of their money trying to make themselves appear important.

There is one sane thing that we all agree on though. You should never give a homeless guy a quarter because, "they will only us it to do drugs."

Friday, July 5, 2013

One Stop Toe Pop

Once I had a zit on my big toe. It could have been an ingrown hair, but I don't know the difference. That's because I, like millions of Americans, am an idiot.

During science class in high school I used to take an eraser, attach staples to it and pretend it was a skateboard. Then I would lay my oversized head on the brand new, never been read textbook that my dumb ass should have been reading and fall asleep.

About five minutes before class was over I would lift my head off of my extremely uncomfortable desk only to feel dizzy, and gassy. I would then look around wondering what the hell was going on. Because of the horrible sleep I got I would, for a brief moment, realize what an asshole I was (wait a second, I, like most high school kids, did not realize I was an asshole yet). I mean, I saw the microscopes. Microscopes are cool dummy.

Then I walked out the door, ate a shitty lunch if I was lucky and stare at any girl (like a pedophile) that would glance over at me. Not an effective strategy.

I am pretty sure the little drawings my teacher had me do in history class did not effectively sink into my brain the differences in the three branches of government either, nice try jerk.

I saw that guy a few years ago, he used a curse word. I think he mentioned something about high school kids too, I think his exact words were something like, "shit" and "idiots".

This is (Not) Happening

This is happening. What is? This is. I know this is, I thought you were talking about something else.  Haha, that's cool. What is? What you said. Oh. Cool.

Sound familiar? It should. It's two
assholes trying to make sense of things. It happens all the time and no one does anything about it.

In a perfect world they would have both been shot dead.

The problem with this world can be summed up like this. If there are some stupid kids in the woods and they see a bear, and they throw rocks at the bear, and the bear gets pissed, some asshole is going to come along and shoot the bear.

See the problem? If your in a city, or if there is a bear in your house, ok, I guess you can shoot it. That's not to say that your life is more valuable than the bears because, it never is.

But if your dumb ass kid is in the woods, and they are starting shit at a bear, the only real solution is to let it play out. That's the bear's house. If he had a gun, he should be allowed to shoot the little pricks. But, he's a bear, he doesn't need a gun. All he needs to do is what god put him here to do in the first place, kill annoying children.

Even if you don't believe in god, you should still believe that a bear should  be allowed to kill whatever the hell it wants. No one shed any tears over Terry Treadwell. Hypocrites. What if your kid turned out to be another Terry Treadwell?

Exactly. No one is going to let that happen, yet everyone let's their kids grow up into shitheads who post pictures on the internet sitting on a stool in a very hip coffee shop with the hashtag...


Smart Fart

"People are stupid."

I read that on a bumper sticker today.

Their other bumper sticker said, "I voted for change and all I got was healthcare reform."

The lady driving the car seemed happy enough. She smiled and drove off. I pulled over, got out of my car and bought a milkshake. She had a prius, my car gets bad gas mileage. I almost felt bad about getting bad gas mileage, but I realized, her prius made up for my low mileage. Kind of like a yin/yang type thing.

Sometimes I get positive like that.

Then I saw two people arguing over a parking spot. It turned out one guy was facing the opposite direction but had been waiting to let the other guy pass. The guy who was passing had done something noteworthy, so he took the parking spot.

When I had finished my milkshake, I decided to go for a walk in which I ran into someone I know. Now, I don't know them well and I had never found them interesting. They told me about their day and how someone mistook them for a famous celebrity. They were annoyed because the famous celebrity does not perform the type of music they like, plus they wear silly hats.

After they walked away, a strange feeling came over me. I suddenly felt disgusted by humanity. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stand listening to people talk about themselves anymore. I'd like to say I felt bad about that, but I'm not sure if I did. I was also struck with fear, because I also like talking about myself, to myself.

Did that mean I was sick of listening to myself talk about myself? The answer was unfortunately clear, I have been getting on my own nerves for a very long time. My first instinct was to run back to the burger place and get another milkshake. But I knew that would only medicate the problem.

So I added fries to the order.

From Zero to Hero, to some guy

My best friend when I was a kid was really good at skateboarding. He was also really funny. He also was cool. I looked up to him. Not enough to make all of the bad choices he did, but that's because I'm a chicken.

But we skated a lot. On halloween of the first year of my riding of a skateboard, me and a group of super happy white, black, mexican, philipino and black philipino kids skated all over the place getting candy and falling really hard on rough ground.

Nothing spectacular happened that night. It is just a really fun memory.

We used to skate to school every morning. We were in junior high.

There were at least 20 of us every morning. We would meet at Safeway. I remember some guy had a moped. He was also in Junior High. He would pull us around on his moped. We would try to get as many of us towed behind him as possible.

I would love to see some video of this. We didn't have cameras though, we just did it for the love. I mean, we would have filmed it though.

But we did what you should do when you're in Junior High.

I also remember having mustard on my pants in six grade and I felt embarassed.

That was before I got a skateboard.

Once I got a skateboard I did not get embarased again.

Not until high school at least.

But junior high was the highlight of my life. I think that was the only time in my life that I was on top of my game. I won a pogo stick contest, wasn't hung up on some dumb girl, we even had a 17 year old friend who drove us around is his yellow bug.

So yeah, junior high was bad ass.

You Scratch my Back and I'll Cast you into a Lake of Fire for Eternity

"Not my will, but thine be done."

These are the words Jesus used before being tortured and executed on a cross when speaking to his father, the great, the powerful, the really, really smart, ummm, god.

He said this because, well, there was no pain where he came from and to be honest, he wasn't all that into it.

It seems that he had been on earth so long that he forgot how much he liked ruling the universe from a golden throne surrounded by adoring naked angels and preferred the comfort of dirt roads and the smell of stinky people who were in his words, "evil". *

I mean, a crown of thorns would suck, but in the end it's always nice to know your'e going to get some serious payback. Although, he did create them the way they were and the plan was for that to happen so it gets a little dicy as to who is really to blame here, but, he did walk on water, so I guess we'll take his word for it. Or rather, the word of the people who wrote down the story of him walking on water. Well, the word of the countless people who transcribed the story that was passed down verbally for god knows how long until someone finally wrote it down. And so on and stuff.

Christians often employ this expression when it comes to important matters in their lives like, which sub par, gay hating, barely credentialed, anti liberal, anti science, right wing, propgandistic, intolerant christian college they are going to. Or, which assault rifle is most suited to hunting tree frogs.

But, life does offer tough choices and sometimes it takes a good crucifixion to put things into perspective. I know what you're thinking, are there good crucifixions? Of course there are.

Whenever my life gets hard I think, well, at least I'm not some delusional, self righteous misogynist that thinks he's god incarnate and will spend the last days of my life being tortured while all my friends take off and come up with some story that will allow them to cash in on my excruciating death.

That always helps.

So, maybe god does care about which college you go to. But yeah, he doesn't. 

It does seem a little more likely that if there was a god, he would be concerned about the millions of people who don't have any food to eat. Or the people with terminal illnesses. Or the millions of people (just like his own son) who suffer from mental illness.

Maybe god doesn't give a shit about you because you don't care about anything that he cares about.  It's very possible that he doesn't want to hear you talking to him anymore because he is tired of listening to you whine about your petty problems while you condemn others for simply living their lives.

I think it is quite possible that if life is a test, as many religious types think it is, that maybe god is testing them. We all know god has a delightful sense of humor.  Maybe he sent one of his newly made angels to earth as a sort of hazing period, you know, just to mess with him a little (after all, being all powerful can get pretty boring). Let him think he was god's son for a laugh. And while he's at it, he'll have this guy tell people that if they don't start saying the right words, have sex the right way, drive large suvs, cry a lot, use the right hand gestures, and wear really ugly t shirts with dumb slogans on them, and make awful music, they will be cast into a bed of hot lava.

I think that would be the greatest practical joke ever. And who but the all powerful creator of practical jokes would be able to pull off such a grand one? Greedy assholes? Most likely. But, for the sake of this hypothesis, we'll say the whole idea was for god to test the "faithful" to find out if they actually were compassionate and would forgo their "inheritance" and stand up for their fallen brothers and sisters.

He might hope that they were able to see the injustice of condemning his creation for being born with an inherited penchant for disobedience. Maybe, they would tell god to go to hell and in return, he would send them to heaven.

Or maybe he would regret not making them smarter.

After all, god does work in mysterious ways.

*I am not passing judgement on this assessment, I think Jesus was right about some stuff.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Keep it Stupid, Simple ummm, Guy.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were six inches tall. Well, I have never wondered that, but I'm sure some really bored guy has.

I don't know why anyone would want to be six inches tall. Bugs would be way bigger, germs would also be bigger and I'm sure they would kill you more easily.

That's why I hate those "Honey I shrunk the..." movies. Just very unrealistic.

Plus, nobody really likes Rick Moranis, except in the beer movie.

I heard his friends don't really like him because he is mean. I don't know if that's true though, people say things.

I don't think he's religious though, so that's good. You can always redeem yourself by not being religious. Which, incidentally, is kind of ironic. It's not really kind of ironic, it is ironic. Because religion's whole purpose is redemption.

I was religious before. I never felt redeemed though. I never felt bad about all the bad things I did when I was a kid. I was told that I needed to be redeemed a lot. I didn't care. I think the thing I liked most about religion is that it affirmed my belief that humanity is dumb. But that made me wonder if that meant God was dumb.

I didn't do that much bad stuff. I never stole from my friends or anything. Although I stole something from an actual person once. I felt bad, but then my dad stole it from me. I hate when I realize I have things in common with my dad. It happens. But I don't play soccer.

The pope likes soccer, and most of his fans are also soccer fans. I know this because the pope is European and Europeans love soccer.

Jesus wasn't European though, but the pope thinks he was. Some people think Jesus was black.
I don't believe in the soul, so I guess that means Jesus couldn't have been black. Because black people have soul. And I don't think Jesus danced. Basically he just criticized people a lot for having fun. That's not really a black thing either. That's something white people do. So yeah, Jesus must have been white.

Relevant Information Here/hot keyword name dropping

I am very big on marketing myself. This blog is a lesson on how to to get people to find you interesting and relevant. First, people love sex. So say things like, boobs, and orgasm. For the ladies, there is the penis.
Also, people like celebrities. Just go to your favorite search engine, like, google, or... is there another one? God I'm lazy. Anyway, type in, America's most famous celebrities, then post them in order of importance.

Here is the list from Forbes (Forbes is hip right?)

Oprah Winfrey is of course the number one most amazing person ever to live and do things, just ask her.
People love Oprah. Although the people who love Oprah do not typically like me. That's because Oprah is sincere and I am insincere.
Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is very popular
I don't know if she is sincere or not, but she is a "rock star".
Rock stars are rich and happy. They do not do drugs, but they often drive nice cars, like a BMW, Mercedes or a LEXUS!

Next on Forbes list of big shits is Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg is a very busy man and has made many, many movies.
My favorite is Three O'clock High.

But since I'm writing this so I can introduce key words in a semi comedic style I will make a reference to the Transformers and Schindler's List.

I did like Schindler's List though. It's about doing the right thing.

Next we have Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce is a very attractive black woman that skinny white boys really like, especially the younger version.

Then they got Madonna for some reason, oh yeah, its still 1985. Jesus Christ.

Up next is another asshole I don't care about, Taylor Swift. Peace ho.

I'm starting to think Forbes is not as with it as I thought.
Bon Jovi comes in fifth for god knows what reason. Crap, I didn't realize how angry this little project was going to make me.

Ok, so sixth is some tennis player, because obviously tennis players kick ass. Well, the William's sisters, Serena and the other one do at least. But this guy, Roger Federer, well, I haven't heard of him though, I'm sure he's nice.

Ok, so now we're getting somewhere. You knew it was coming, and soon you actually will be.
Justin, efffing Bieber. Do we need jokes about Justin Bieber still? It seems a little redundant.

Ellen DeGeneres is next on the list and I am beginning to realize an important componatent to key wording (I just made that term up).


The people that are searching these terms are not going to enjoy my blogs. But, a little heat is a good way to generate capital gains.

So, FUCK YOU. Or whatever.

But yeah, Ellen is tight. I don't watch her show or anything, she just seems cool.

Hugh Jackman, yes! A real man. Wolverine from the X Men! He really knows how to fight.

He has a new movie coming out too, so that should help. I think he "kicks some ass".

God, this is starting to feel like a job.

So this is getting boring and I hate celebrities so I'll just list the next ones and try and say one positive thing about them.

Jennifer Lopez
Puerto Rican

Big ups to Downes Syndrome

Doma was repealed, so they are happy

Tiger Woods
Really knows how to handle his pole

Labron James
This guys kind of a badass
Holy crap, i just realized this is a list of one hundred!

so, since the only reason I'm doing this is to try and get people to read this crap, I'll just list the rest.
Simon Cowell, Katy Perry, David Beckham, Robert Downy Jr., Leonardo DeCaprio, Tyler Perry, Channing Tatum, Koby Bryant, Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Cruise, Mark Walburg, Seth Macfarlane, Donald Trump, Cristiano Ronaldo, Jay Z, Dr. Phil, Glen Beck, Will Smith, (god I hate these people) Ben Affleck, Rush Limbaugh, David Letterman, Lionel Messi...

Ok, I give up.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The Sociopaths Survival Guide

"I know right?"

You've heard it, and you've said it, to be honest, so have I, many times, but the question is, how can we make it stop?

It's not like we want to keep saying it, but we can't help it, its just so... easy.

I know, right?

But why? Why do we do it? Why do we keep saying things without thinking about how harmful they are to society. As the great Karen Carpetner said, "why do we keep hurting each other?" And that is what we are doing, by using this expression, we, as a society, are hurting, each other.

I know, right?

But the problem is deeper than the simple use of seemingly innocuous words. Our lack of depth goes beyond axioms and memes and modes of communication.

What should I wear, how should I talk, what can I do to feel more like an actual member of a society that I have no real connection with? I and many others want to know the answers to these very important questions. 

One helpful hint is to try and find genuine common ground, ask questions like. Hey, do you like food? Me too! What kind? That's great! Let's go there and eat that kind of food that we both enjoy. I like mine extra cripsy. Haha, you're funny.

See how easy that was?

I know, right?

Stop. Just stop.

Talking about others helps, but it only medicates. "She's dumb", "he's gay." Funny stuff, but you're sad, aren't you? It's ok, youre not alone.

Sounds serious doesn't it? Millions of people each day suffer from chronic insincerity. As of yet our scientists have not found a cure, but, there is hope. With the help of people like you, we can make a difference.

Social jargon has serious benefits. To the lazy (and pretty much all Americans are lazy) these words and expressions create a cohesion that in effect allows us to think that the world is a place that actually makes sense. Even the use of words like actually give us greater confidence in our belief that what we are saying is actually important.

I know, right?

The funny thing is, we still say "like" a lot. Like, "she was like", or, "she was all." But people don't use "all" as much as we used to. I am sure at some point, "like" will be replaced with "all". We get bored with expressions, but it does take a long time. Unless of course uncool/ old people in a desperate attempt to not sound "wack" begin to overuse an expression. Sometimes the answer we were looking for was right under our noses all along.