Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Just be Yourself, Unless No one Likes You

Someone told me that I could make a lot of money if I came up with an idea for an app.

Actually he was a VP, so, yeah. 

That's an ego trip right there.

For those of you who do not know what an app is, you might as well stop reading cause you're like, hella dumb.

I don't have an idea for an app. The app that invents apps has already been invented. Although it is not currently in production.

I had a dream last night about something that was related to something that happened to me today. But it was only vaguely reminiscent.

Like, I could trip out because I had a dream once where there was a blue sky and the next day the sky was blue.

So maybe things are just a coincidence. But maybe, they aren't.

Here's what I mean.

Maybe when you have to make a decision and you feel compelled to not do one thing and say that if you were to do that one thing, you believe that something bad is going to happen that is in no way related to that one thing you were compelled to not do which you were also compelled to do.

We call that superstition.

But maybe what is really happening is that the universe through its use of particles and matter is hinting that because matter is finite and redundant, that when one thing occurs, one path that has already occurred has a positive outcome whereas the other has a negative outcome (of course there might be a large amount of possible outcomes but let's not get ahead of ourselves).

This sounds like paranoia because it is but if you were to think solely scientifically, you would know that even though it is highly unlikely that things function according to this seemingly rational yet highly schizophrenic model, hey, anything's possible.

Sometimes I think like that though. Because I am, ummm, insane.

I do like to explore a small amount of options though.

Also, apparently just because you are good on a skateboard, that does not mean you should be an asshole.

Thanks guy. 

Saturday, February 15, 2014

The Adventures of Mike and Jim

A little ant name Mike was friends with a squirrel named Jim. 

They were both cool guys. Nobody fucked with them.

Until one day a crow flew down and bit off one of Mikes’ antenna. 

“This shit is not cool”, said mike. 

All of his friends were worried that Mike was going to lose his cool and trip hard. 

Mike was chill though and didn’t see the point in starting any shit over it, after all, “crows be trippin.” 

Mike used to always say that, even before he got his antenna bit off. 

Jim on the other hand was not that cool about it. 

He climbed up a really high power line one day, just to see if he could find the “little fucker that bit off his homies’ antenna.” 

He was up there and he saw some crows but he didn’t see the one who bit off Mikes’ antenna. 

He did see some other crows though, even one he used to chill with. 

“What the fuck are you looking at essay?” One of the crows yelled. 

“A bitch ass crow I guess”, answered Jim. 

The funny thing is, the crow didn’t do anything in response. I mean, Jim is just a squirrel, the crow could have fucked him up. 

“Whatever punk”, said Jim. 

When he got back down, Mike approached Jim. “Yo homie, I know you got my back but don’t trip off some bitch ass crow.”

Jim knew he was right. He shouldn’t trip off of some bitch ass crow. 

So they went to Whiz burger and got a milkshake, a corndog, a cheeseburger, some jalapeƱo poppers, fries, onion rings, and some ketchup. 

They didn’t buy that stuff of course, Jim dug some out of the trash and buried it in a nearby leaf pile and Mike just walked around and ate off of people’s plates. They didn’t even notice him because they were too caught up looking at the cute squirrel burying food from the trash to notice. 

Afterwards, they chilled at a spilled puddle of beer and “got faded.” 

Or as Mike put it, “I’m hella faded fool!”

The End

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

The Earth is like, Hella Old: an in Depth Objective "Historically Scientific" Analysis of the Ham v. Nye Debate

Everyone has been asking me how I feel about the Ken Ham v. Bill Nye the Science Guy debate.

I mean, no one has asked me that.

I don't know why, my opinion is just as valid as anyone else's.

I guess that means that they could pretty much ask anyone else and they would get a response that is equal to mine. So, it makes sense that they wouldn't necessarily ask me. They could of course, but that would have more to do with random chance I suppose, I don't know, statistics class was pretty annoying.

So, yeah, all I can say is, there was no masturbating going on for about, two and a half hours.

I guess that means god won.

I don't really think god is against masturbating though, if he was he probably would have just made our arms shorter.

Then again, we would look funny. But, maybe if our arms were shorter we would be used to it and we wouldn't think it was that funny.

That's kind of like the whole, "is the world 6000 years old or 4 billion" debate thing. We can't know because we are used to it the way things are.

Like if you read the bible you're like, "OMG (oh my gosh) the world is like, 6000 years old, everyone knows that!"

And you're friends are all like, "duh."

But, if you were raised to read books and think and use your brain and not just believe everything some asshole who got his AA at the "The Lord's Living and True Holy Teaching School" and your parents were nice to you and they were like, "we wouldn't lie to you about our absolute ignorance on the subject of science and stuff."

You might actually have an open mind.

Most likely not really but when it comes to stuff like religion, you probably won't believe it.

I'm just saying, either way you'll be a dick but on one hand you will be a dick who doesn't believe the earth was made 12 days before you were born and on the other you will think that there might be a near infinite amount of Earth's all over the universe with a near infinite amount of jerks writing a near infinite amount of really stupid blog posts for a near infinite amount of really bored people reading them. At the rate of about 200 readers per planet, with a near infinite amount of planets, the number of readers could reach the near infinite.

So yeah, Ken Ham needs to get laid and Bill Nye is getting laid right now, bow tie and all.

I guess we know who the real winner is.