Wednesday, August 27, 2014

It's Global Warming People, Stop Wasting all that Ice



The Ice bucket challenge has really encouraged me. 

It made me realize that even though the only reason most of us will ever do any type of good deed is so we can make a video doing something uninteresting yet quasi self sacrificial with the primary effect being an inflation of our sense of self with a rationalization akin to preaching salvation to dying baby seals. 

People have argued that even though it appears that they are attention seeking whores in actuality they are offended by that kind of attitude because what we are talking about is a good cause and we all believe in good causes. 

And it is a good cause. 

That’s why Bill Gates is such a huge piece of shit. As well as other rich people, also, the rest of us. 

We know that there are things we can do and we believe that we should.
But we don’t. 

People like Bill Gates will donate huge sums of money to very worthy causes. Acknowledging that there is a tremendous need. Yet, he still keeps the majority of his 70 billion dollars a year income. 

So why do people venerate him? And why do we congratulate ourselves for donating ten bucks when we could easily do more? 

It’s like there is some secret code language that our egos speak to one another. A sort of anti feel bad about ourselves cut off switch. 

We all want to feel that we are good people but true sacrifice is not in our nature. 

Maybe it’s a defense mechanism. We don’t want to feel bad so we selectively ignore our apathy while taking pride in any thing we do that might seem nice no matter how sparse. 

I wish that worked the other way around. 

For all of the aggressive drivers and people who cut in line at the grocery store when they have a huge basket of organic, healthy liberal pretense food when I have candy bar that I desperately need to inhale, I wish I could ignore all of them in favor of the friendly smile I got from a passerby. Or the nice driver who actually let me switch lanes in order to get to the exit I needed instead of ignoring my turn signal even though they are 50 feet behind me in the right lane and continue to speed up in order to almost run into me and give them the opportunity to pretend that my intent was to ram their car and allow them the righteous feeling of indignation which grants them the right to flip me off and call me a piece of shit just so I can go home and watch some famous celebrity talk about a disease that they had until recently never heard of in order to draw attention to their waning career. 

Now if we can only pee our pants for hunger.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Justice is Blind, just not Color Blind

Growing up skateboarding frequently brought trouble from the frisk happy five O.

When you are a skateboarder the cops will fuck with you, a lot.

They will ridicule you, even sometimes touch your genitals.

Luckily for me I never got murdered because my skateboard is totally bitchin.

Although one time a cop did pull his gun out but that is because I was in a van with a Filipino and some Mexicans, oh and my wife who is of questionable skin tone.

I know what you're thinking, should've been in an RAV4 with Scandinavians.

So yeah, my bad.

It's kind of like how black people have to tell their children how to hopefully not get shot by the police even if they are already not doing anything to warrant it.

It's like that but for white people.

Fortunately for white people the only thing their parents had to say was, "just remember to be white today."

Unfortunately for black people, their parents have to tell them, "just say, 'yes sah, no sah'."

I guess it's a tradition really and nobody should ever go against tradition.

Except maybe we can this one time go against the tradition that goes, "well, I'm not black and I don't really care about what happens to other people because I already feel that I am in this tenuous position in society where I am not totally sure of my status and in some ways am grateful because there are other groups of people that are treated worse than I am based on their ethnic heritage and maybe if there is a scapegoat, society will let me slide by without incident and I know that even if things aren't going exactly as I planned there are those who have it worse and will always have it worse as long as I keep my mouth shut even though if I think about it I do feel guilty about the privileges bestowed upon me."

Plus, most of us don't care that children make our clothes.

So yeah, that last part is unrelated but really it's not. We are very good at laying our brains to rest in a warm North Face down sleeping bag when it comes to getting what we want, which is to live comfortably and spend most of our time trying to get people to think that we are awesome and expensive puffy jackets.

So am I saying we should feel bad?

Yes, that's what I'm saying. 





Monday, June 30, 2014

Keep your Vagina out of my IPO


Today, The Supreme court of the United States, the greatest court in the whole wide world decided that if you are a really big company and you have a lot of millions and billions of dollars, then you can basically do whatever you want all in the name of, "religious freedom."

Seems like God might have wanted to chime in on issues such as these, (when he chose the great thinkers of the past, the guys who said you could own slaves and that women should be executed for being raped, you know, the cave men who wrote the bible) thousands of years ago.

Whether god wanted to do something great for religious liberty today, 2000 years ago or 200 years from now when our country as we know it will be called, "The United Hobby Lobby of America", we can rest assured that he is hard at work to make us safe from tyrannical freedom.

You see, religious people, i.e., evangelical christians, all know that freedom isn't free. The true cost of freedom is other people's freedom.

So what does God really think? Is God happy that many will not have access to legal contraceptives that are legal and in no way infringe upon anyones actual rights as interpreted by the President of the United States and are legal?

Does he care that some people don't want to have children? Does it make him angry when we masturbate? How about if we masturbate to the Song of Solomon? Or what if we masturbate while praying? "Dear God, I pray that this feels really good."

Would he be upset if we asked him for a better orgasm, even if it is self induced?

Maybe he would make it feel better just to show off his orgasmic powers.

It's really hard to say.

Really hard.

I bet God is having sex right now.

I'm one of those people who believe in the Big Bang theory.

God Banged it and, shit, how does that go?

I'm not sure but I bet he wishes he used contraceptives.






Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Don't Sext and Drive (one more attempt at calling attention to a broken political system)

I think the most powerful human instinct is that which is prone to violence.

I'm not saying that our other impulses are not strong, e.g., love and kindness and all that pussy shit.

But fighting, that's an impulse that we all share.

We love it!

It's not really a bad thing, it's just there so we can wrestle alligators. 

We even tell children to fight. "Stand up for yourself Timmy. You don't want to be nobody's bitch."

You know what would happen if children were taught not to stand up for themselves?

Nothing.

Nothing would happen.

Of course they might end up becoming a corporate lawyer and contribute to the horrible situation the world is in when it comes to economics and all that we know about that which is nothing because, what the fuck?

If it makes you feel better you can tell them to believe in god and that they can be peaceful because that is what god wants, peace and love and unity and those who don't accept his message will have a hot iron shoved up their ass for a long time and even when they cry uncle, or uncle Jesus or uncle god, they will have more pain to endure because they liked violence while they were here on earth because they were  a shitty shithead.

So yeah, we should just admit we like fighting and stop pretending everything we do is for some noble purpose. Yes, that guy cut you off and yes he most likely is a cock sucker so honk away but remember, you will probably cut someone else off later in the day and then you'll have to live with what you have done.

But hey, nobody's perfect.


Monday, May 26, 2014

Who Designed the Designer, Jeans?

I don't think anyone has ever explained to me why the universe needs a designer simply because it is complicated but god, who is infinitely more complicated, does not.

I thought about this one for a long time. Unfortunately god is infinite and any amount of time is equal to itself in relation to infinity.

So that was a waste of time.

In a way it's cool though because if there is an infinite god then no matter what I do, if I don't want to do it I can do it for a short time and to god it will be equal to all of the rest of the time in the universe.

So, for example, going to work. People think that it makes you a good person for working overtime. But in god's eyes, we all work the exact same amount of time.

That's why I believe in socialism.

It's the same with giving change to homeless people. You can give a homeless guy change every day for the rest of your life but as long as I did it once, in light of infinity, we both did the exact same thing.

So that takes a lot of pressure off.

It's not like I don't believe you should give homeless people change. I mean, they appreciate it a lot more than we do.

When was the last time you counted change to get high?

Yeah, you probably bought an ounce of the chron, threw the rest in your sock drawer and forgot about it.

It also means that I can eat as many cookies as I want.



Sunday, April 20, 2014

And Jesus Was Lifted High...

On this day of celebration I am inclined to think of those who are not as fortunate as us. Those who can not, along with thousands of others, gather in a park, or a church, or cathedral, or a sidewalk, or a 7 Eleven, or, the most holy of the holies, KFC.

When I think of them, after I wipe the sweet, hot, anointed oil that drips off of my tender dark thigh, dipped in mash potatoes and gravy, slathered in hot mustard sauce...

ummm, damn that sounds good.

So those who aren't high on grass or god aren't missing anything unless they are vegetarians. Vegetarians should never get high. I mean, when I have the munchies I could eat a bowl of dog penises, is it penises? Anyway, it just seems really hard to be a vegetarian and get high and have someone put a bowl of dog penises in front of you, let alone the Colonel's "secret" recipe.

I dont know, I guess I've just really been craving fried chicken lately.

And it's not because I'm trying to make a statement, or make a positive change, or make my mark, or mark my turf, or bless this mess.

The point is that I like to be patronizing and it is patronizing to say things like, "I can understand why people  need to do that", or "some people need to believe in something."

It's fun, I'm sure youv'e never tried yourself.

Religion is a touchy subject though, even though there are a multitude of denominations and interpretations based on translations passed down through generations which all prohibit masturbation, god that was cheesy. But yeah, the whole thing sounds very plausible until it just doesn't and then you're like, "god damn" and you don't feel the need to apologize, unless of course you are with your friend who believes that god doesn't like that and you realize that their belief is very personal to them and they are a nice, caring person even though they believe that you are a "lost sheep" and that if you don't repent god will be forced to ram bamboo shoots underneath your finger nails for a very long time all the while crying and telling you that you did this to yourself while he is simultaneously dancing with his little angels on streets paved with gold. 

On a lighter more 4/20 friendly note, I bet Rastafarians have way more fun praying than Evangelicals. Maybe not Pentacostals. Ooooh, Rastafarian Pentacostalism! Damn, now that's got to be a rush.

In summation, I saw a lot of red eyes today. All I can say to you guys is, your'e only supposed to eat one wafer, so take it easy out there and remember, you can always confess that you were high, say three hail somethings or whatever and ummm, what was I talking about, I'm so high right now.






Monday, March 31, 2014

Words are Fucking Awesome

According to everything that has ever been thought by anyone, life has no meaning.

The statement itself is very meaningful and can make sense out of your existence.

That of course is only an opinion and has been contradicted by the opening statement.

This begs the question.

I really hate when people misuse that expression.

I also hate that we have left behind the great wisdom of the eighties as displayed on the back of the classic Ford truck, (Built Ford Tough) "shit happens."

One of the reasons I like this expression so much is because it is both a literal and figurative statement (not unlike all other statements).

On the one hand, yes, shit does happen. We eat, digest and well, you know....

This can either be a pleasant experience or somewhat uncomfortable.

The expression can also be taken to mean, "a foul odor is present." Or on a positive note, "I had a pleasant experience, it took a while for me to fully appreciate what I took in and in the end I was rewarded with a warm sensation."

Of course there is the common connotation, "something happened that has taken a toll on me both psychologically and emotionally, perhaps even physically. I have no control over it and must focus my energy on things that I can control rather than being overwhelmed by the immensity of said occurrence."

Whatever it means, it takes some thought.

More recently we have opted for a new, more modern sounding expression, "it is what it is."

I find this declaration empty and pointless.

When I hear it I have to remind myself that, "shit happens", because it currently is, happening that is, shit is happening when I hear those words.

Hearing this phrase is akin to the figurative and somewhat literal interpretation of the subsequent expression.

The irony is that the contemporary colloquialism is seeking to negate the inherent emotional association that words and expressions hold, as if in some way, nothing happened, or nothing was or needs to be felt.

I am not sure if that means we live in a desensitized, emotionless age, or that we are too lazy to interpret our feelings.

Perhaps we are so highly inundated with emotionally charged images that our defenses have rationalized a suspension of sentiment in order to protect us from a frenetic bombardment of anxiety causing stimuli.

I think it might have something to do with the internet.