Monday, October 10, 2016

Don't Vote, You'll Just Get a Big Head (maybe even an orange one)

I really don’t like writing about politics. So I won’t. What I will do is what I already do and write incoherent anecdotes in an attempt to convince people that we are all extremely dumb and love to hear our opinions validated no matter how fucked up they are and hope that someone might have a thought that sounds something like, “maybe I am an idiot.”

I have had the great luck of being reminded routinely as a child and on into adulthood that I am a vacuous ne'er-do-well, so not to brag, I do have an advantage.

People think they should raise their kids to have self esteem, empathy, a sense of identity and an education.

This unfortunately, is completely false.

It appears that if we are to have any progress as a species, we should raise our children to bully the weak, pray to violent gods who seek only our adoration regardless of their absolute indifference to our pain, and bring dad a beer on command.

In this perfect world, there will be no laws, no technology, (the nerds will have been weeded out with the other evolutionary anomalies) and no prohibition on inbreeding.

In addition to the obvious, no homework, or bathing,

there would be...

No global warming.

No police abuses of power.

No school shootings.

No exes, (you can just kill them.)

As well as all the blood of your enemy you can digest.

At least until around the age of 25 that is, when you are killed by some alpha male who is trying to steal your harem (I mean, sisters.)

I know I might not be selling this well, the truth isn’t always an easy pill to swallow. (For examples, ask pretty much any religious person.)

Whether we like it or not, we would be on our proper rung on the evolutionary ladder had it not been for a handful of grotesque aberrations whose only contribution was to convince billions of humanoid ape mutants that we were intellectually and emotionally advanced enough to own a smart phone and still have thoughts of our own.

As well as remote control machine guns on wheels.

I think the fact that we created them in the first place should have been fair warning.

But hindsight is 20/20.

They are kind of cool though.

Except for the killing of innocent families.

Just the blowing shit up part.

That part is cool.

So yeah, electricity was a huuuge mistake. 

In our perfect world, this generation of barely walking cheeseburger disposal devices would have routinely cleansed itself of itself (as god intended) until, I don’t know, another 2 million years pass and the world is populated with an evolved, fully formed, functional version of the humanoid type.

One that isn’t obsessed with its own survival while subconsciously hoping for its own extinction because deep down it knows we are on a path from being invertebrate to something extraordinary.

That things just aren't right.

They know that our true course involves sacrificing virgins to fire breathing dragon gods in addition to wearing your enemies face in a ceremonial celebration* instead of fucking the whole process up by inventing totally awesome machines that go super fast and make cool noises and destroy the ozone...

Ok, bad example.

Plus, I like cars.

And airplanes. 

Fortunately there are some who know all of this and are fighting to rectify the flaws in our primitive thinking. 

It is instinctual to them.

They are the true saviors of humanity, unencumbered by hope for the near future or a desire to save the dying planet and its inhabitants. For they know that by destroying what we are today, through carbon emissions, wars, marginalizing those of different ethnic and religious backgrounds, denying climate change, persecuting those who teach evolution in schools, prohibiting a woman's right to choose, legislating against same sex couples in any way possible, we will become so much more.


Like millions of years from now.

Because they really are that smart. 

They and only they truly care for the future of mankind.

Unfortunately, they think Trump does too.

* Not unlike sports, your enemy will most likely be exactly like you. So you will in effect be celebrating your inevitable defeat in a ceremony that is both predictive and somewhat ironic.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Take a Chill Pill and Get Over it because Who Cares?

My friends don't like my driving. It's because I get angry. 

I was raised to be angry. It's not my fault.

The nice thing about not having to take responsibility for how you feel, is that you are also not responsible for how you act.

Many times people have told me that they didn't like me the first time we met.

This makes me sad.

Sad because I almost never even remember meeting them in the first place, and that means that my memory is going.

I do feel bad though. Not because I don't remember them, but because they remembered me.

It always surprises me that anyone gives a shit about how I treat them.

I guess when you have no real self esteem, it comes as a surprise when someone, "esteems" you.

Paradoxically, I take it as a compliment and I have made efforts to be nicer to people that I meet, but they tend to be selling me donuts.

I do get angry though. But it's usually at other people who are angry because I am angry.

A little back story, there are times, and they are many, when I say something dumb.

I know, hard to believe.

So I say stupid shit and here's why, I am dumb.

I've always been dumb, it's something you get used to.

Over the years I have developed a strategy. I deliberately say anything that comes out of my mouth. And then I laugh, hahahaha.

Get it, I was being sarcastic. Wait, what did I say? Yeah, just kidding.

So people get mad because I say dumb shit. Then I get mad because I don't even remember what I said. Then they get mad because I'm laughing at them for being dumb because they thought something I said was worth getting mad about. Then I notice that we are enjoying getting mad. Kind of like how my dog wags her tail when she's barking.

Did I mention that before? I don't know, either way it's a timeless analogy.

Dog's are timeless.

So and so's skateboarding trick, not timeless. Except for the Gonz.

Yeah, I'm that guy.

So everyone is angry because of evolution. We evolved to get angry so we can kill an animal with our bare hands and eat it without feeling bad. Then some super evolved indigenous people's decided to have respect for the earth and appreciate the animals. Then some other people who were still angry and thought that they were supposed to be angry because they wanted gold and stuff and god, instead of just food, killed them and took their stuff and now there are a lot of people who think that they are angry because they need something that someone else has or needs and god!

Ok, let's just calm down.

Fortunately we live in a society that has given us everything that we could ever want or need and we can watch tv and be entertained and eat delicious food and make fun of our friends even though we love them. 

The point being? When the little red hand is blinking, that means don't walk. The numbers are there just to tell people who are already in the crosswalk how much time until the light turns red and sometimes I can only make that right turn because I'm in the financial district and 500 people are all J walking together because of crowd mentality and the cop is mad because I'm yelling.

See, now your'e mad.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Alzheimers is Natures Do Over

Life is such a routine. I just peed, well, what I remember is washing my hands and looking over and noticing the toilet was just flushed. I couldn’t tell if I peed or not. Then I wondered if I had to pee. 

The fact that I didn’t have to pee should have been an indication that I did pee, but I could have just flushed the toilet for no reason, but that would have been weird. 

I forget things all the time. I tell myself it’s because I’m getting older and it’s normal and it’s only mundane stuff, but my vision is getting worse too. 

So something is going on. 

I don’t mind being forgetful, it really doesn’t bother me. 

Most of my life is worth forgetting anyway. 

I’m not saying there aren’t things worth remembering, it’s just that the rest of it is worth forgetting. 

Also, it’s been easier to not get angry. 

I mean, I am always angry. It’s just there. But, I have gotten better at ignoring it. 

Then, once in a while I walk around all day in an uncontrolled anger simulation. 

That is, it doesn’t feel real. 

Basically I’ve substituted being mad about every little thing all the time for feeling partially numb/happy and an occasional complete break with reality. 

The point is that I remember all of the bad things that have happened to me but a small amount of the good things. 

I remember when I learned smith grinds on a ledge, and the day I met April. (she doesn't remember that day though, so yeah, I'm the bitch).

What I do remember is riding my bike into a pickup truck when I was really little. And hitting my face skateboarding when I was 12. 

In fact, I can remember every time I hurt myself skateboarding.

I also have the good fortune of remembering arguing with my dad all the fucking time. 

So what I’m thinking is, maybe S and M people just want to remember when they have sex. 

Perhaps they forgot all of the times they participated in sweet, romantic, love making with kissing and spooning.

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe if every time I go to the beach with friends, or have a nice day with my wife, or see a good movie, or eat something that tastes really good and doesn’t leave me unsatisfied (like Chinese food or cheeseburgers often do), or laugh really hard at something someone says, or say something dumb that makes someone laugh, or skate and not feel achy from years of falling down, or am enjoying a nice view, or if Bernie Sanders gets elected, maybe I can carry around a little whip with studs on it and have whoever is next to me whip me really hard a few times and tell me that I'm a bad boy, just so I won’t forget the moment that would otherwise get lost in the really far part of space that is so far away that you can only see it if you turn around but once you’ve turned around you need to turn around again to see it. 

I guess what I’m really wondering is, if I’m going to inflict bodily harm on myself every time I have a happy moment, do I have to wear leather chaps all the time?

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

All the Things I hate about Skateboarding

I don't normally write about skateboarding because I skate for the love, not for the money.

That means I don't sellout.

It also means I have never been offered the opportunity to sell out.

Either way, I kept it real.

Like when I first started skateboarding, I drew on my grip tape like Lance Mountain and Cab and I pegged my pants and didn't wear socks in my Vans.


Then Matt Hensley bleached his hair and we ALL did too.

I wish I could have a picture of all the skateboarders lined up against the wall in 1989.

Basically it would look like a multiethnic nazi youth rally.

But, we would all be doing kick flip melons, so FUCK YOU!

Then I listened to NWA and Guns and Roses at the same time. Yup, no fucks given.

Oh, but I forgot to say how Junior High was the best time in my life because we would all meet up before school and this guy who had a moped would pull like 20 of us at once and we must have been only going 5 miles an hour because those things got no juice.

And we would try, "street plants."

And no, I didn't smoke like that one kid.

Then in high school everyone got good and we were like, yeah dog.

Then things took a little turn.

Our pants got really bright, really big, and kind of high watery.

But, still, NO FUCKS GIVEN.

Because it was the shit.

Skate fashion takes risks, OK?

Then we toned it down, a little.

Just a little. Pants were still big.

Big and cargo.

Nike shirts and adidas shoes, hat sideways.

Shoes were laced, properly.

I have to admit, this was a tough time.

There was just a lot of pop and steez out there, much like today, but better steez. Well, there is a lot of good steez today, but also a lot of, not.

Old guys will tell you, when they were younger, things were as they should be.

So, I'm going to skip past the Osiris time, and to some extent Shorty's, with the exception of Smolik. The other guys ripped, I was just older and not paying as much attention and Chad and Jamie were way too hype.

Then PJ Ladd or something.

New kids, shifty nollie heel, no thanks, watch Mouse again (I know, typical).

Still skating though.

Totally grown up and shit, whatever.

Then there is now (how do you make a sound of a shovel being smashed in your face by all the internet videos that give you internal ass zits?)


So now there is a lot going on and people are wearing all kinds of things and doing all kinds of tricks and there are things here and there and your'e like check this out and your friend is like, "that's wack" and they're like, "check this out" and your'e like, "that's wack" and you silently agree to disagree and secretly think your friend is tripping on some bullshit but they're tight and your'e both sad, bitter morons who can't admit it but you still seem to have a lot of fun and can even talk about whatever and it's all good.

So yeah, I got a pair of half cabs for christmas.

It's not old school either, you can just do that shit now.

Oh, and if I you didn't notice, the way the words are intricately placed, if you blur your vision (yeah, vision) you will notice the word GONZ start to come toward you in 3D.

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

No, I'm not Talking about Donald Trump and Muslims

I really like the idea of alternate universes. Aliens too.

That's why I like Rick and Morty.

Rick and Morty is my favorite cartoon.

Looney Toones used to be my jam as a kid, "this time I didn't forget the gravy."

Sadistic shit.

Fortunately cartoons are really edgy and social commentary.

I like commenting on social… stuff.

Like how everyone thinks things about everything, like who should be allowed to be a human.

I always think about who should be allowed to be a human.

A lot of the time I think that tech people from the midwest aren't allowed to be a human.

Sometimes I will let skateboarders from Canada be human, sometimes.

Canadians have free health care, so they can take it.

The point is, there is no free will.

It's like if someone offered you a beer and you were thirsty and wanted a cool buzz.

You would drink it.

But if someone peed in it, you wouldn't drink it.

Unless no one told you there was pee in it.

Then you would drink it and say, "this tastes like pee."

But you would drink it anyway because a lot of beer tastes like pee.

Only when it's warm though.

That's why I like my beer, "Cold Brewed."

Whatever the fuck that is.

But also if you liked the taste of pee you would drink it. But if you don't like the taste you wouldn't drink it. But if you thought pee was good for you you would drink it. Unless someone said pee was bad for you you wouldn't drink it. But if someone paid you $10000 dollars to drink it you would drink it. Unless you were rich, then you wouldn't need the money so you wouldn't drink it. Unless you were trying to impress your other rich fraternity brothers then you would drink it. Unless your rich fraternity bothers thought it was cool to drink it but you realized they weren't' cool because they were racist assholes then you wouldn't drink it. Unless they threatened to beat you up then you would drink it. 

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Give us our Nuts Back Vince

Once I was in the woods and I noticed this really fat squirrel. Now, I don’t have anything against fat squirrels, I just noticed he was fat because I was also noticing how all of the other squirrels were really skinny.

I thought that it might have been a trend for all of the squirrels to eat their nuts and then go to the bathroom and stick their tiny little claws down their tiny little throats and well, basically what I’m saying is it was beach season and we all know how narcissistic and insecure squirrels are.

But then I noticed something. The big fat squirrel was chasing the other squirrels away when I tried to give them a piece of my asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese.

I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck would give a bulimic squirrel an asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese?

Only an asshole.

But they were cute and I was really hoping they would be my friends.

Kind of like how I sometimes send Matthew McConaughey hand written letters telling him how I think it is really cool that he commits to roles by learning an accent and losing a lot of weight and taking up cigarette smoking in order to play one of the most interesting and convincing characters that I have ever seen on tv and a heartthrob in Dazed and Confused and really just cause me to rethink the whole sexuality thing to the point where it’s not even about sex any more but really about just needing something that it seems like he might have and if he would only take the time to hear me out we might become really close friends and maybe he could introduce me to Woody Harrelson.

But mainly people would think I was important because I was friends with Matthew McConaughey.

And everyone knows that if you are friends with someone important you are basically as important as they are.

Oh yeah and then some guy told his kids that it was ok that the big fat squirrel got all the food because he was obviously smarter and worked harder than the other squirrels and that meant that they should be kicked out of the tree they lived in for the past twenty years because they weren’t interested in coding… I mean, gathering nuts.

Monday, April 6, 2015

I Feel Your Pain, Because you Hit Me

I was recently talking to someone about a, "hot button issue", wait, is it hot button? I thought I heard that somewhere.

Seriously, I can't keep up.

I think it should be hot button because we click on buttons all the time.

It's pretty much all that we're about.

When people say they are, "about that life", they're talking about clicking buttons.

So yeah, we did not agree.

The funny thing was, they were like, totally wrong.

Don't you hate that?

I do.

So when I explained to them that they were wrong, their response was, "you're a doody face."

I have to admit, I didn't see that coming.

So back to me being right, it sure feels good.

I love being right in an argument, it's always better than whatever boring ass topic we are talking about.

This one was about race though, oh yeah, two white people talking about race. Of course shit got eentense.

So I was like, "I have a black friend" and they were like, "I read a book about slavery" and the gloves were off.

They were all, "you shouldn't be condescending because you are white" and I was all, "you sound paternalistic."

And they said, "I'm glad I didn't go to grad school."

That one caught me off guard though, because if you don't go to grad school, you can't give presentations to groups of all white people and tell them that they are all racist with the exception being yourself because since you acknowledge the inherent racism in our species that in some way exempts you from said inherent racism while maintaining a lack of belief in an inherent racism (which is what you were arguing against but really were arguing for without knowing it) although it is for white people and not everyone else which ironically is a racist position but you don't think so because you don't want to because you want to believe that all racism is a learned behavior which raises the mathematical likelihood that not all white people would be raised in an environment conducive to a racist outlook but that makes your argument fall apart because all white people are racist with the exception of yourself, which is, (sigh) a contradiction.

It's more satisfying to tell people they are racist in person than on the internet anyway.

Oh, and you can really piss people off by defending the fact that you are a, "white man."

People hate that one.