Once I was in the woods and I noticed this really fat squirrel. Now, I don’t have anything against fat squirrels, I just noticed he was fat because I was also noticing how all of the other squirrels were really skinny.
I thought that it might have been a trend for all of the squirrels to eat their nuts and then go to the bathroom and stick their tiny little claws down their tiny little throats and well, basically what I’m saying is it was beach season and we all know how narcissistic and insecure squirrels are.
But then I noticed something. The big fat squirrel was chasing the other squirrels away when I tried to give them a piece of my asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese.
I know what you’re thinking, who the fuck would give a bulimic squirrel an asiago cheese everything bagel with artisanal cream cheese?
Only an asshole.
But they were cute and I was really hoping they would be my friends.
Kind of like how I sometimes send Matthew McConaughey hand written letters telling him how I think it is really cool that he commits to roles by learning an accent and losing a lot of weight and taking up cigarette smoking in order to play one of the most interesting and convincing characters that I have ever seen on tv and a heartthrob in Dazed and Confused and really just cause me to rethink the whole sexuality thing to the point where it’s not even about sex any more but really about just needing something that it seems like he might have and if he would only take the time to hear me out we might become really close friends and maybe he could introduce me to Woody Harrelson.
But mainly people would think I was important because I was friends with Matthew McConaughey.
And everyone knows that if you are friends with someone important you are basically as important as they are.
Oh yeah and then some guy told his kids that it was ok that the big fat squirrel got all the food because he was obviously smarter and worked harder than the other squirrels and that meant that they should be kicked out of the tree they lived in for the past twenty years because they weren’t interested in coding… I mean, gathering nuts.