Saturday, August 24, 2013

Candy Cane Dreams and Popsicle Wishes (is that a thing?)

Everyone talks about their dream job. Like, "I just got my dream job!" Ummm, yeah. I'm sure your dream was to do work that you wouldn't do if you didn't get paid to do it, or listen to some asshole tell you what to do and how you're not doing that simple task right. You know who has their dream job? Kids whose parents are rich and gave them a shitload of money to do nothing.

Paris Hilton has her dream job.

Anyone who has to do anything where they pretend they are not an asshole is not working at their dream job.

Paris Hilton spends money, makes bullshit tv shows where she proves she has no ability whatsoever, does drugs, has sex, and goes to really dumb parties with a bunch of other kids who were given a crap load of free money. That is a dream job.

When you get paid to make a fool of yourself, you are living the dream. That is, you are getting paid to be yourself. And no I did not say, to "do you." Because I don't use that expression. "Just do you bro." Yeah, do you, I think the innuendo is clear.

Homeless people also have their dream jobs, i.e., not working.

Homeless people are usually on drugs and alcohol, hang out in cool urban downtown areas that tourists pay thousands of dollars to come see, and have sex (usually with other homeless people, but still, sex) so there job comes with perks. Plus they're usually nuts. So not really any different than anyone else.

The other night this homeless lady tried to hug me. I told her that was crazy, so she hugged my friend. Don't worry, he's doing "ok." I thought she was crazy and probably had some contagious disease.  She gave me a, "fist bump" instead. Good thing I have a bottle of hand sanitizer at the ready.

So yeah, I'm not crazy, she is. But, I am still looking for a job and she is giving strangers hugs.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Don't Watch This, its Insane

Wendy Wright is insane. This is because she believes insane things and also because she can't hear a word Richard Dawkins is saying. Richard Dawkins is insane because he spent an hour having a conversation with an insane woman who would not listen to a word he said. I am insane because I watched it. You are insane because you are reading this. Also, you might be insane if you watched the video too.

The reason I wanted to write about it though is that she is a very interesting character that can give insight into all of our personal insanity.

What I mean is, she seems to be (for the most part) a fully functional member of society. Her friends don't think she's insane. She doesn't walk down the street talking to herself. Although she does talk to god (which is pretty insane).

The point is, she doesn't seem insane to everyone, but she is nuts.

Just like the rest of society.

We're all nuts.

I had a hard time with that one, but I sensed it might be true.

What struck me most about this interview was that Wendy kept accusing Dawkins of talking down to her, of being patronizing. I did not think he was ever being patronizing. He was of course, telling her that she was wrong. I guess she could have interpreted that as condescension. But i think it was a manipulative tool on her part, which stems from insecurity.

Frantz Fanon said that those who were colonized wanted to be the colonizers.

In much the same way, Wendy wants to be Dawkins. Not a scruffy old curmudgeonly Englishman with very little patience for dumb blondes.  Rather, she envies his status in society. She is not concerned about facts, she is concerned about power. She wishes to dominate Dawkins. But, not only Dawkins, she is far too ambitious for that. What she is concerned with is...


Now that does sound pretty cool, but, she sucks.

People often use religion to control others, its a fairly undisputed M.O..  It's not really worth mentioning, but people like Wendy bring to light our own deficiencies. Our own desperate need for control.

There is an impulse that we have to control our surroundings. It could be a survival mechanism. Maybe it is simply fear. But that instinct mixed with fear can grow so large that it manifests itself in totalitarianism. Whether it be political, corporate or social, when gone unchecked, our need to control our environments can consume us and hurt others.

The greatest irony is that when we can not acknowledge our instinct to control others, it will control us and make us look like an asshole.

Right, Wendy Wright?

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Sanctified Organic*

I haven't gone to church in a long time. I went today. It was just as I remember it.

I walked through the front door and what is the first thing that happens? Some guy acting as security pretends he is there to greet me but really he is sizing me up because, let's be honest, I do appear threatening.

Actually, if I did appear threatening it would be in less of a, "I'll kick your ass" kind of a way, and more of a, "I'm going to say a bunch of stuff that is going to upset people who are holding on to a superficial mode of conduct in order to make sense out of a complicated existence."

And it's not because I think I know the answers or something, I just express my confusion. I think that makes religious types uncomfortable.

Then, I walk through seas of people, hundreds of people, just waiting to get some kind of acknowledgement. But, nothing. It was like I wasn't even there. They really seemed unhappy.

Although the one guy at the table where they talked about what's going on with believers in other parts of the world was pretty nice.

But then another guy was like, rude. He was defending the validity of his belief system.  

There were a lot of kids running around. Some seemed happy enough, others were obviously confused by the whole thing. Some other kids seemed to think that if they just said the right religious slogans and wore the right religious t shirts they would be considered, "cool".  Really they just wanted to make out with chicks.

So at least there is some hope.

I grabbed a little snack, because it was free*, but there was something about it that made it seem like there were strings attached, you know, like they wanted something from me.

More walking around, looking for a good isle. As I turn the corner, I end up right next to this attractive girl. Oh wait, she's not attractive at all! She just has really expensive clothes on as an attempt to mask the fact that she is pretty homely.

Homely girls can be attractive though, except when they try to cover up their ugly with money.

And sanctimony!

It's weird how you can hold such socially conscious views and be really stingy with your money. 

Then this guy from behind the wooden counter starts talking. He said, "this is right, this is wrong." "Do this and you will be good, keep doing this and you will stay bad."

Honestly, it was a bit overwhelming. I think he might have actually been right about a few things.

It's weird how someone can be right about some things and be such an asshole that it makes you want to ignore pretty much everything they have to say.

The Future of Mankind

I've been wanting to write about the future of mankind. Actually, I just thought about it. But ever since I thought about writing about the future of mankind, that’s all I could think about.

Imagine the possibilities? 

The world won't be the same. I mean, the planet will. Except that it might have a lot of Styrofoam. Also, there might be more volcanic eruptions. I don’t know if there will be, I just made that up. 

In the future, man will have learned to work together to create a common destiny.  That’s one possibility at least. Or, we will have eaten all of the food. 

Sometimes I wonder if we can eat all of the food on the planet. 

What will happen when all the food has been eaten? It seems like there won’t be many people left by the time the last fat guy takes the last bite of the last Big Mac. How do I know the last piece of food will be a Big Mac? 

Seriously, who are we kidding…?

They taste so good they'll get eaten up quick. It’s likely the last piece of food will be something like, ummm, liver? It's also possible that we will have been hungry for so long that we might start enjoying the taste of organs such as liver and eggplant. 

I’m not sure if we will eat our own livers though.
Can you imagine that if we got so hungry we ate our own livers? 

I'm sure some people would.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Sex and Bunson Burners (minus the sex)

There's nothing worse than a scientist with a leather jacket. Well, maybe a christian apologist, but that's a whole other kind of asshole.

You can't be too cool for school if you really like school. Might want to take a refresher course in basic syllogism.

Guy likes school. School isn't cool. Guy who likes school is not cool. 

This new breed of, "I don't give a fuck because I extrapolate data based on current quantum mechanical reactivity..." and ummm some other really bad ass shit for bad assess who used to get stuffed in lockers by really bad bad assess who now clean the lockers of the not so bad assess who now think they are bad assess because they bought a leather jacket and wore it on the Colbert Report.

I don't know where that was going but, yes, science is cool. However, it is not cool in the sense that jumping a motorcycle that was made in the 50's over 100 oil drums in front of Potsie and Richie Cunningham is cool. It's cool in the sense that if you crack your head open and your brains spill out they are able to push it back in and reconnect your skull. That's cool because it's practical.

Although you might be neat, or interesting, and a little goofy (which in another sense are also very cool) you are not James Dean. Sorry guys.

Go ahead though, keep trying to figure out ways for us to get off of this god forsaken planet so we can meet other beings on other worlds that are probably a bunch of self centered, entitled assholes just like we are. Who probably drive their gas saving, environment protecting, turd rocket really fast and defeat the whole purpose anyway as they honk at every old lady who doesn't make her left turn fast enough on their way home from getting paid way too much money to create new apps that will only be used until the next spawn of app comes out to distract the rest of them from the fact that they have absolutely nothing interesting to say, except of course, "that new fusion restaurant is really good".

Inevitably we will have to find a way to fix our broken down ship and get the hell out of there but it probably won't work and we'll just have to spend the duration of our lives having sex with aliens that are not any where near as hot as the 100s of different alien girls that Captain Kirk has hooked up with.

Who knows, they might not have annoying christian apologists who lie for a living and tell people that slaves were treated well and preferred to remain property rather than gain their freedom because their masters "took such good care of them". 

I'll give them that.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Insane People of the United States

A really good friend of mine was telling me that he was afraid the world was going to end. I told him that I thought he was crazy. I told him that the earth has been here for a long time and would probably be around for a while longer.

He said that he wasn't talking about the planet, that he was talking about our way of life. Something like, "corporate totalitarianism...", I said, "like, oh my god, what's that?"

No, I didn't. I said, "I hope so. I'd like to have a better life someday".

He said that my life won't be better. I think he said something about the wild west. Now, I've seen a lot of wild west movies and they're pretty cool. You can carry a gun, you don't have to bathe, and you can hit your kids. You can also drink things called, "hooch". I mean, hooch. That sounds like something you would drink if you were a real man.

I don't think I'm much of a real man though.

He laughed. Said I was a "hopeless romantic."

I can see that.

So the world is going to end. At least life as we know it. I told him I still don't see how that is bad. Right now we live in a world that is run by rich people. Poor people don't have a voice. Now, I'm not really a fan of rich people or poor people. Both groups smell bad.

I don't care if your'e rich or poor, I just care how you smell. I once got sick sitting next to a homeless guy in church. I didn't care that he was homeless, but he smelled really bad and I got a cold from him.The rich guy from the pulpit told me I should give him my money so he could give it to the homeless guy. So I stopped going to church.

Other than that, yeah, I told him he's probably right.