Monday, October 10, 2016

Don't Vote, You'll Just Get a Big Head (maybe even an orange one)

I really don’t like writing about politics. So I won’t. What I will do is what I already do and write incoherent anecdotes in an attempt to convince people that we are all extremely dumb and love to hear our opinions validated no matter how fucked up they are and hope that someone might have a thought that sounds something like, “maybe I am an idiot.”

I have had the great luck of being reminded routinely as a child and on into adulthood that I am a vacuous ne'er-do-well, so not to brag, I do have an advantage.

People think they should raise their kids to have self esteem, empathy, a sense of identity and an education.

This unfortunately, is completely false.

It appears that if we are to have any progress as a species, we should raise our children to bully the weak, pray to violent gods who seek only our adoration regardless of their absolute indifference to our pain, and bring dad a beer on command.

In this perfect world, there will be no laws, no technology, (the nerds will have been weeded out with the other evolutionary anomalies) and no prohibition on inbreeding.

In addition to the obvious, no homework, or bathing,

there would be...

No global warming.

No police abuses of power.

No school shootings.

No exes, (you can just kill them.)

As well as all the blood of your enemy you can digest.

At least until around the age of 25 that is, when you are killed by some alpha male who is trying to steal your harem (I mean, sisters.)

I know I might not be selling this well, the truth isn’t always an easy pill to swallow. (For examples, ask pretty much any religious person.)

Whether we like it or not, we would be on our proper rung on the evolutionary ladder had it not been for a handful of grotesque aberrations whose only contribution was to convince billions of humanoid ape mutants that we were intellectually and emotionally advanced enough to own a smart phone and still have thoughts of our own.

As well as remote control machine guns on wheels.

I think the fact that we created them in the first place should have been fair warning.

But hindsight is 20/20.

They are kind of cool though.

Except for the killing of innocent families.

Just the blowing shit up part.

That part is cool.

So yeah, electricity was a huuuge mistake. 

In our perfect world, this generation of barely walking cheeseburger disposal devices would have routinely cleansed itself of itself (as god intended) until, I don’t know, another 2 million years pass and the world is populated with an evolved, fully formed, functional version of the humanoid type.

One that isn’t obsessed with its own survival while subconsciously hoping for its own extinction because deep down it knows we are on a path from being invertebrate to something extraordinary.

That things just aren't right.

They know that our true course involves sacrificing virgins to fire breathing dragon gods in addition to wearing your enemies face in a ceremonial celebration* instead of fucking the whole process up by inventing totally awesome machines that go super fast and make cool noises and destroy the ozone...

Ok, bad example.

Plus, I like cars.

And airplanes. 

Fortunately there are some who know all of this and are fighting to rectify the flaws in our primitive thinking. 

It is instinctual to them.

They are the true saviors of humanity, unencumbered by hope for the near future or a desire to save the dying planet and its inhabitants. For they know that by destroying what we are today, through carbon emissions, wars, marginalizing those of different ethnic and religious backgrounds, denying climate change, persecuting those who teach evolution in schools, prohibiting a woman's right to choose, legislating against same sex couples in any way possible, we will become so much more.


Like millions of years from now.

Because they really are that smart. 

They and only they truly care for the future of mankind.

Unfortunately, they think Trump does too.

* Not unlike sports, your enemy will most likely be exactly like you. So you will in effect be celebrating your inevitable defeat in a ceremony that is both predictive and somewhat ironic.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Take a Chill Pill and Get Over it because Who Cares?

My friends don't like my driving. It's because I get angry. 

I was raised to be angry. It's not my fault.

The nice thing about not having to take responsibility for how you feel, is that you are also not responsible for how you act.

Many times people have told me that they didn't like me the first time we met.

This makes me sad.

Sad because I almost never even remember meeting them in the first place, and that means that my memory is going.

I do feel bad though. Not because I don't remember them, but because they remembered me.

It always surprises me that anyone gives a shit about how I treat them.

I guess when you have no real self esteem, it comes as a surprise when someone, "esteems" you.

Paradoxically, I take it as a compliment and I have made efforts to be nicer to people that I meet, but they tend to be selling me donuts.

I do get angry though. But it's usually at other people who are angry because I am angry.

A little back story, there are times, and they are many, when I say something dumb.

I know, hard to believe.

So I say stupid shit and here's why, I am dumb.

I've always been dumb, it's something you get used to.

Over the years I have developed a strategy. I deliberately say anything that comes out of my mouth. And then I laugh, hahahaha.

Get it, I was being sarcastic. Wait, what did I say? Yeah, just kidding.

So people get mad because I say dumb shit. Then I get mad because I don't even remember what I said. Then they get mad because I'm laughing at them for being dumb because they thought something I said was worth getting mad about. Then I notice that we are enjoying getting mad. Kind of like how my dog wags her tail when she's barking.

Did I mention that before? I don't know, either way it's a timeless analogy.

Dog's are timeless.

So and so's skateboarding trick, not timeless. Except for the Gonz.

Yeah, I'm that guy.

So everyone is angry because of evolution. We evolved to get angry so we can kill an animal with our bare hands and eat it without feeling bad. Then some super evolved indigenous people's decided to have respect for the earth and appreciate the animals. Then some other people who were still angry and thought that they were supposed to be angry because they wanted gold and stuff and god, instead of just food, killed them and took their stuff and now there are a lot of people who think that they are angry because they need something that someone else has or needs and god!

Ok, let's just calm down.

Fortunately we live in a society that has given us everything that we could ever want or need and we can watch tv and be entertained and eat delicious food and make fun of our friends even though we love them. 

The point being? When the little red hand is blinking, that means don't walk. The numbers are there just to tell people who are already in the crosswalk how much time until the light turns red and sometimes I can only make that right turn because I'm in the financial district and 500 people are all J walking together because of crowd mentality and the cop is mad because I'm yelling.

See, now your'e mad.

Friday, March 25, 2016

Alzheimers is Natures Do Over

Life is such a routine. I just peed, well, what I remember is washing my hands and looking over and noticing the toilet was just flushed. I couldn’t tell if I peed or not. Then I wondered if I had to pee. 

The fact that I didn’t have to pee should have been an indication that I did pee, but I could have just flushed the toilet for no reason, but that would have been weird. 

I forget things all the time. I tell myself it’s because I’m getting older and it’s normal and it’s only mundane stuff, but my vision is getting worse too. 

So something is going on. 

I don’t mind being forgetful, it really doesn’t bother me. 

Most of my life is worth forgetting anyway. 

I’m not saying there aren’t things worth remembering, it’s just that the rest of it is worth forgetting. 

Also, it’s been easier to not get angry. 

I mean, I am always angry. It’s just there. But, I have gotten better at ignoring it. 

Then, once in a while I walk around all day in an uncontrolled anger simulation. 

That is, it doesn’t feel real. 

Basically I’ve substituted being mad about every little thing all the time for feeling partially numb/happy and an occasional complete break with reality. 

The point is that I remember all of the bad things that have happened to me but a small amount of the good things. 

I remember when I learned smith grinds on a ledge, and the day I met April. (she doesn't remember that day though, so yeah, I'm the bitch).

What I do remember is riding my bike into a pickup truck when I was really little. And hitting my face skateboarding when I was 12. 

In fact, I can remember every time I hurt myself skateboarding.

I also have the good fortune of remembering arguing with my dad all the fucking time. 

So what I’m thinking is, maybe S and M people just want to remember when they have sex. 

Perhaps they forgot all of the times they participated in sweet, romantic, love making with kissing and spooning.

Maybe that’s the answer. Maybe if every time I go to the beach with friends, or have a nice day with my wife, or see a good movie, or eat something that tastes really good and doesn’t leave me unsatisfied (like Chinese food or cheeseburgers often do), or laugh really hard at something someone says, or say something dumb that makes someone laugh, or skate and not feel achy from years of falling down, or am enjoying a nice view, or if Bernie Sanders gets elected, maybe I can carry around a little whip with studs on it and have whoever is next to me whip me really hard a few times and tell me that I'm a bad boy, just so I won’t forget the moment that would otherwise get lost in the really far part of space that is so far away that you can only see it if you turn around but once you’ve turned around you need to turn around again to see it. 

I guess what I’m really wondering is, if I’m going to inflict bodily harm on myself every time I have a happy moment, do I have to wear leather chaps all the time?