Monday, October 10, 2016

Don't Vote, You'll Just Get a Big Head (maybe even an orange one)

I really don’t like writing about politics. So I won’t. What I will do is what I already do and write incoherent anecdotes in an attempt to convince people that we are all extremely dumb and love to hear our opinions validated no matter how fucked up they are and hope that someone might have a thought that sounds something like, “maybe I am an idiot.”

I have had the great luck of being reminded routinely as a child and on into adulthood that I am a vacuous ne'er-do-well, so not to brag, I do have an advantage.

People think they should raise their kids to have self esteem, empathy, a sense of identity and an education.

This unfortunately, is completely false.

It appears that if we are to have any progress as a species, we should raise our children to bully the weak, pray to violent gods who seek only our adoration regardless of their absolute indifference to our pain, and bring dad a beer on command.

In this perfect world, there will be no laws, no technology, (the nerds will have been weeded out with the other evolutionary anomalies) and no prohibition on inbreeding.

In addition to the obvious, no homework, or bathing,

there would be...

No global warming.

No police abuses of power.

No school shootings.

No exes, (you can just kill them.)

As well as all the blood of your enemy you can digest.

At least until around the age of 25 that is, when you are killed by some alpha male who is trying to steal your harem (I mean, sisters.)

I know I might not be selling this well, the truth isn’t always an easy pill to swallow. (For examples, ask pretty much any religious person.)

Whether we like it or not, we would be on our proper rung on the evolutionary ladder had it not been for a handful of grotesque aberrations whose only contribution was to convince billions of humanoid ape mutants that we were intellectually and emotionally advanced enough to own a smart phone and still have thoughts of our own.

As well as remote control machine guns on wheels.

I think the fact that we created them in the first place should have been fair warning.

But hindsight is 20/20.

They are kind of cool though.

Except for the killing of innocent families.

Just the blowing shit up part.

That part is cool.

So yeah, electricity was a huuuge mistake. 

In our perfect world, this generation of barely walking cheeseburger disposal devices would have routinely cleansed itself of itself (as god intended) until, I don’t know, another 2 million years pass and the world is populated with an evolved, fully formed, functional version of the humanoid type.

One that isn’t obsessed with its own survival while subconsciously hoping for its own extinction because deep down it knows we are on a path from being invertebrate to something extraordinary.

That things just aren't right.

They know that our true course involves sacrificing virgins to fire breathing dragon gods in addition to wearing your enemies face in a ceremonial celebration* instead of fucking the whole process up by inventing totally awesome machines that go super fast and make cool noises and destroy the ozone...

Ok, bad example.

Plus, I like cars.

And airplanes. 

Fortunately there are some who know all of this and are fighting to rectify the flaws in our primitive thinking. 

It is instinctual to them.

They are the true saviors of humanity, unencumbered by hope for the near future or a desire to save the dying planet and its inhabitants. For they know that by destroying what we are today, through carbon emissions, wars, marginalizing those of different ethnic and religious backgrounds, denying climate change, persecuting those who teach evolution in schools, prohibiting a woman's right to choose, legislating against same sex couples in any way possible, we will become so much more.


Like millions of years from now.

Because they really are that smart. 

They and only they truly care for the future of mankind.

Unfortunately, they think Trump does too.

* Not unlike sports, your enemy will most likely be exactly like you. So you will in effect be celebrating your inevitable defeat in a ceremony that is both predictive and somewhat ironic.