Monday, October 28, 2013

Postive Statistics From the Newly Formed Positive Statistic Research Group LTD (a Start Up)

I have been made aware that my posts can be a little dismal. So I thought since it's the holiday season, I would make a list of some of the uplifting things life has to offer. **

I saw someone smile today. Then someone gave a homeless guy a quarter.

Pizza is delicious.

Because Halloween is all month this year, coke dealers are doing very well. 

Jesus had good intentions.

Even though there are a lot of hungry children, there are rich children that eat a lot. 

Santa wears his halloween costume for like, three months!

It's really easy to ignore the fact that slavery still exists and that we benefit from it.

Some people have multiple sex partners and do not get stds.

Even though we live in what is effectively a totalitarian aristocracy, the population seems to be generally as apathetic as their congressmen, so we do experience a relative representation.

If people call you bruh, bro, brah, homie, or "friend", you can feel like people care about you. 

Although food stamps are like, $200 a month per family, Dollar stores take them.

If you stub your toe, the pain eventually goes away.

50% of married couples do not get divorced.

There are more countries that we are not at war with than ones that we are.

The police do not harass every ethnic group.

Fast food rarely gives people echoli. Or is it ebola? Either way, most likely you won't get those.

Even though we cram millions of cows into a very small area so that we can eat steak three times a day, they never get lonely. *

And last on the list of positive feel good things, thanks to the 80s, we can see naked pictures of Canada's sexiest man.

*I am not saying that I do not eat steak. I do eat steak. I like it.

**Also, there is a small chance that these posts might get better.  

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

What Comes out in the Dark Will be Exposed in the Light

I peed in a urinal today. Nobody was watching. I thought someone might come in and watch, so I unzipped quickly and got started. It's not that I can't pee in front of people. I like the challenge of it. And I'm not worried that someone will look over and see my urine outlet.

They call it, "stage fright" when you can't go because someone is next to you.

The fact that we are ashamed of our genitals has to be one of our most endearing qualities. And it's not that you can be unashamed and somehow win, because those people are just creepy.

Yes, you should be ashamed of your genitals. It's what makes you human.

Now, sometimes it's funny to show your friends your, "junk". It's a way of bonding. Of creating intamacy. But the guys running around the nude beach with just a t-shirt on, well, let's just say they live on the margins, kind of like the Wolverine.

I used to dream that I was in fifth grade running around school with only a t-shirt on. Maybe that is their way of confronting their fears.I like to confront my fears, but I'm not going to walk around a nude beach with just a t-shirt, no matter how hot I look, or how many pins it gets on pintrest. Well, maybe if Tom Cruise starts doing it. Or maybe John Lithgow. But even then, I'd be self conscious.

So we are scared that the rest of the world will find out that we have a, "pee pee". What a bunch of pussies. Ha. Sorry.

That was bad.

You know what else is bad? Politicians.

Politicians should all be required to only wear t shirts. That way they would have to acknowledge that they have genitals. Maybe then they would stop exploiting our corrupt system for their own personal gain at the expense of, pretty much the entire world.

I also think port o potties are gross.

Some scientists believe that every possible reality exists. So that means on some planet, in some universe, port o potties are rides at amusement parks. Kind of like a Ferris wheel. Or maybe those ones where you and your friends spin the wheel in order to make the car spin around faster. So, yeah, a port o pottie that spins around really fast.

I don't know which is worse.