Sex and Bunson Burners (minus the sex)

There's nothing worse than a scientist with a leather jacket. Well, maybe a christian apologist, but that's a whole other kind of asshole.

You can't be too cool for school if you really like school. Might want to take a refresher course in basic syllogism.

Guy likes school. School isn't cool. Guy who likes school is not cool. 

This new breed of, "I don't give a fuck because I extrapolate data based on current quantum mechanical reactivity..." and ummm some other really bad ass shit for bad assess who used to get stuffed in lockers by really bad bad assess who now clean the lockers of the not so bad assess who now think they are bad assess because they bought a leather jacket and wore it on the Colbert Report.

I don't know where that was going but, yes, science is cool. However, it is not cool in the sense that jumping a motorcycle that was made in the 50's over 100 oil drums in front of Potsie and Richie Cunningham is cool. It's cool in the sense that if you crack your head open and your brains spill out they are able to push it back in and reconnect your skull. That's cool because it's practical.

Although you might be neat, or interesting, and a little goofy (which in another sense are also very cool) you are not James Dean. Sorry guys.

Go ahead though, keep trying to figure out ways for us to get off of this god forsaken planet so we can meet other beings on other worlds that are probably a bunch of self centered, entitled assholes just like we are. Who probably drive their gas saving, environment protecting, turd rocket really fast and defeat the whole purpose anyway as they honk at every old lady who doesn't make her left turn fast enough on their way home from getting paid way too much money to create new apps that will only be used until the next spawn of app comes out to distract the rest of them from the fact that they have absolutely nothing interesting to say, except of course, "that new fusion restaurant is really good".

Inevitably we will have to find a way to fix our broken down ship and get the hell out of there but it probably won't work and we'll just have to spend the duration of our lives having sex with aliens that are not any where near as hot as the 100s of different alien girls that Captain Kirk has hooked up with.

Who knows, they might not have annoying christian apologists who lie for a living and tell people that slaves were treated well and preferred to remain property rather than gain their freedom because their masters "took such good care of them". 

I'll give them that.

The Good, The Bad, and the Completely Insane People of the United States

A really good friend of mine was telling me that he was afraid the world was going to end. I told him that I thought he was crazy. I told him that the earth has been here for a long time and would probably be around for a while longer.

He said that he wasn't talking about the planet, that he was talking about our way of life. Something like, "corporate totalitarianism...", I said, "like, oh my god, what's that?"

No, I didn't. I said, "I hope so. I'd like to have a better life someday".

He said that my life won't be better. I think he said something about the wild west. Now, I've seen a lot of wild west movies and they're pretty cool. You can carry a gun, you don't have to bathe, and you can hit your kids. You can also drink things called, "hooch". I mean, hooch. That sounds like something you would drink if you were a real man.

I don't think I'm much of a real man though.

He laughed. Said I was a "hopeless romantic."

I can see that.

So the world is going to end. At least life as we know it. I told him I still don't see how that is bad. Right now we live in a world that is run by rich people. Poor people don't have a voice. Now, I'm not really a fan of rich people or poor people. Both groups smell bad.

I don't care if your'e rich or poor, I just care how you smell. I once got sick sitting next to a homeless guy in church. I didn't care that he was homeless, but he smelled really bad and I got a cold from him.The rich guy from the pulpit told me I should give him my money so he could give it to the homeless guy. So I stopped going to church.

Other than that, yeah, I told him he's probably right.

Science in the Real World

My dogs really like to sniff (and sometimes eat) some pretty displeasing stuff. For example, poop. I was walking by a warm pile of my dogs poop recently and I thought, you know, if I really cared about the scientific method, I would do a little experiment.

Because I have no real scientific understanding or equipment (I can barely watch Neil DeGrase Tyson for more than a few minutes because everyone loves him so much) I have to make do with the resources that I have.

So, of course I could smell the poop without trying, it was pungent as usual. My dogs tend to have very consistent stools. Of this I am a little jealous.

Back to the experiment. My dogs love shit, but they hate bananas, well, Stella hates bananas. She also doesn't like other delicious things, but she eats cat turds. Now, I will never smell a cat turd on purpose. I don't know, I just don't trust the feline digestive system.

Years ago I used to smoke pot and make food that should not have been consumed. Like, top ramen with strawberry jam fried in a pan. Because I was high (and starving) I convinced myself I was eating chowmein, and I enjoyed it. In retrospect it does sound better than the packet of ketchup my friend put in hot water that he was convinced tasted like tomato soup (and he wasn't even high, just starving). 

Long story short, I tried to be objective, I allowed myself to process the odor of the turd. For a second it smelled like salami. I thought, "maybe there is something to this." Whether there was or was not, the inevitable defense mechanism that says, "do not eat dog shit" came into play.

I would say I was dissapointed at my lack of control over my impulses, but in reality, I appreciate them. My dogs are not protected in this way. They smell shit, it smells like salami (I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt) they eat it, then they throw up.

The weird thing is, we have impulses to keep us from eating dog shit, but we don't have impulses that keep us from being dicks. In fact, we have impulses that make us act like dicks. I really wonder about the whole survival thing. We know not to eat dog shit, but we still act like dicks.

*

*Neil is not a dick, but he knows one when he sees one. 

Being Sick is for Sissies and Anyone who doesn't want to go to Work that Day

I've been sick for four days now.

Nobody cares though.

My "friends" don't care because they're not sick and they can just ignore me until I'm better. How convenient.

My dogs can't tell the difference because they're dogs. And I suck so, they don't care.

I didn't want to get serious, but I just never understood apostrophes. I mean, it takes more effort to find the apostrophe button than it does to simply write the letter.

I think it's kind of pretentious. So, if I write, "I do not think such and such is a great Cabernet" I sound like a dick, but if I write, "I don't like mixing beer and vodka" all of the sudden I'm some kind of cool guy.

What a double standard.

It takes the same amount of effort to write, don't as it does, do not.

This is the problem with the world. We are all just a bunch of hypocrites.

Really Sad Story with a Moral

A bird flies around. The trees wonder if he is going to land on them. They wait in anticipation. Suddenly, a squirrel runs up a tree. The bird flies off. The other trees look at one another. They saw the lone squirrel and hoped he would climb them next.

The bird flies home and tells his friends that all of the trees have squirrels in them. The other birds do not believe him, they wonder why he would make up such a story, but, they are scared of squirrels.

The nights grow cold and the leaves fall off of the trees. The squirrel wonders why he hasn't seen any birds lately. The fear of impending isolation makes him fold his arms and huddle on the ground. He is well stocked up for the winter, but he hears no sounds of life, no chirping, no flapping of wings. His heart beat feels soft.

His thoughts turn to the previous spring. He imagines thousands of birds flying around. He runs up to a high branch to get a better view. Their erratic patterns and cacophony of sounds delights his little squirrel senses.

He feels for a moment that he is not alone. He hears a chirp, but it was only the crackling of a branch that fell under the weight of an abandoned nest full of dewy leaves. He turns his head rapidly thinking someone was behind him. But no one is there.

The squirrel falls asleep in the same spot that he stood for what seemed to be days, tired, alone.

Lost in Strangulation

Today I hit my head on the ground.

Like, I jumped off of my skateboard onto my head.

Then, I got up.

I'm pretty sure I said something to the effect of, "did you see that?"

I don't remember saying those exact words but, it seems like something someone who just jumped onto their head skating down a hill would ask his friends.

Then I got back on my "axe" and wondered if I was going to have a headache later. I thought that I might, but what I was really hoping was that it would not turn out to be one of those concussions that kill you peacefully in your sleep.

Maybe tomorrow I will imagine that I was supposed to die because of the concussion, but since I had such a powerful determination to live, I was able to wake up.  It could be called, "A Triumph of the Human spirit."
Basically how movies typically emphasize a specific event in the characters lives.

This period of my life will also have a title. I think I will start titling all of the moderate to major events in my life. That way I can feel like I live in a movie and won't have to pay so much to watch other people's moderate to major events.

I would say that the one time when I switched Junior High Schools was that time. It was called, "what the hell am I doing in this school?"

Speaking of having a whole new lease on life. How many new leases can you get? I've pretty much only had one, and now even though I still have some of that lease left, I can appreciate the idea of a new, new lease on life. I hope you can't build up a tolerance on new leases on life. That would be rough. Like, what if you could have a new lease on life and just sit on the couch staring at your fat belly wishing you had kettle corn? 

Flight of the Dumb Dork

Because of my firm dedication to the truth, I realize that I can not only talk about things that I hate because they suck. I also need to talk about the good things in this world. Now we know that words such as goodness and truth only hold the substance that we attribute to them. That means that I can simply say that I find hating things to be good and true. That would be the easy way out, and I am all for taking the easy way out.

But, I do like some things so, even though it is boring to talk about things that you like, I'll try and make it interesting.

Pizza. Duh. It would naturally follow, people who serve me pizza.

Ok, so obviously there are a crap load of things that everyone likes, like pizza and orgasms. I'm going to try and skip those.

So how about things that I like that aren't one of those obvious things that everyone likes.

Shit.

No, not shit. Well, I like a good shit. But, everyone does, so, still obvious.

I am having a hard time with this one. I guess I'm just a simple guy.

When I was around 15, I was trying to catch a bus so I rode my skateboard across a very busy intersection without looking. Then a car ran me over. Fortunately I did not get hurt. But, my board got ran over. The guy got out of his car and looked very upset. I said, "my board is broken" (it was a BBC, Bad Boy Club skateboard) hoping he would give me money. He did not appear to be reaching for his wallet. I saw the bus about to drive off, so I ran toward it and jumped in.

The other time I got hit by a car I was 13. I did not run a red light like I did when I was 15. However, a man with his family in his station wagon ran a stop sign and I flew over the hood of his car. I did not get hurt this time either. I remember his wife looking back at me and shaking his shoulder. It reminded me of something out of a movie.

I like those memories. Although I hope to not repeat them.