This is (Not) Happening

This is happening. What is? This is. I know this is, I thought you were talking about something else.  Haha, that's cool. What is? What you said. Oh. Cool.

Sound familiar? It should. It's two

assholes trying to make sense of things. It happens all the time and no one does anything about it.

In a perfect world they would have both been shot dead.

The problem with this world can be summed up like this. If there are some stupid kids in the woods and they see a bear, and they throw rocks at the bear, and the bear gets pissed, some asshole is going to come along and shoot the bear.

See the problem? If your in a city, or if there is a bear in your house, ok, I guess you can shoot it. That's not to say that your life is more valuable than the bears because, it never is.

But if your dumb ass kid is in the woods, and they are starting shit at a bear, the only real solution is to let it play out. That's the bear's house. If he had a gun, he should be allowed to shoot the little pricks. But, he's a bear, he doesn't need a gun. All he needs to do is what god put him here to do in the first place, kill annoying children.

Even if you don't believe in god, you should still believe that a bear should  be allowed to kill whatever the hell it wants. No one shed any tears over Terry Treadwell. Hypocrites. What if your kid turned out to be another Terry Treadwell?

Exactly. No one is going to let that happen, yet everyone let's their kids grow up into shitheads who post pictures on the internet sitting on a stool in a very hip coffee shop with the hashtag...

#thisishappening.

Smart Fart

"People are stupid."

I read that on a bumper sticker today.

Their other bumper sticker said, "I voted for change and all I got was healthcare reform."

The lady driving the car seemed happy enough. She smiled and drove off. I pulled over, got out of my car and bought a milkshake. She had a prius, my car gets bad gas mileage. I almost felt bad about getting bad gas mileage, but I realized, her prius made up for my low mileage. Kind of like a yin/yang type thing.

Sometimes I get positive like that.

Then I saw two people arguing over a parking spot. It turned out one guy was facing the opposite direction but had been waiting to let the other guy pass. The guy who was passing had done something noteworthy, so he took the parking spot.

When I had finished my milkshake, I decided to go for a walk in which I ran into someone I know. Now, I don't know them well and I had never found them interesting. They told me about their day and how someone mistook them for a famous celebrity. They were annoyed because the famous celebrity does not perform the type of music they like, plus they wear silly hats.

After they walked away, a strange feeling came over me. I suddenly felt disgusted by humanity. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stand listening to people talk about themselves anymore. I'd like to say I felt bad about that, but I'm not sure if I did. I was also struck with fear, because I also like talking about myself, to myself.

Did that mean I was sick of listening to myself talk about myself? The answer was unfortunately clear, I have been getting on my own nerves for a very long time. My first instinct was to run back to the burger place and get another milkshake. But I knew that would only medicate the problem.

So I added fries to the order.

From Zero to Hero, to some guy

My best friend when I was a kid was really good at skateboarding. He was also really funny. He also was cool. I looked up to him. Not enough to make all of the bad choices he did, but that's because I'm a chicken.

But we skated a lot. On halloween of the first year of my riding of a skateboard, me and a group of super happy white, black, mexican, philipino and black philipino kids skated all over the place getting candy and falling really hard on rough ground.

Nothing spectacular happened that night. It is just a really fun memory.

We used to skate to school every morning. We were in junior high.

There were at least 20 of us every morning. We would meet at Safeway. I remember some guy had a moped. He was also in Junior High. He would pull us around on his moped. We would try to get as many of us towed behind him as possible.

I would love to see some video of this. We didn't have cameras though, we just did it for the love. I mean, we would have filmed it though.

But we did what you should do when you're in Junior High.

I also remember having mustard on my pants in six grade and I felt embarassed.

That was before I got a skateboard.

Once I got a skateboard I did not get embarased again.

Not until high school at least.

But junior high was the highlight of my life. I think that was the only time in my life that I was on top of my game. I won a pogo stick contest, wasn't hung up on some dumb girl, we even had a 17 year old friend who drove us around is his yellow bug.

So yeah, junior high was bad ass.

You Scratch my Back and I'll Cast you into a Lake of Fire for Eternity

"Not my will, but thine be done."

These are the words Jesus used before being tortured and executed on a cross when speaking to his father, the great, the powerful, the really, really smart, ummm, god.

He said this because, well, there was no pain where he came from and to be honest, he wasn't all that into it.

It seems that he had been on earth so long that he forgot how much he liked ruling the universe from a golden throne surrounded by adoring naked angels and preferred the comfort of dirt roads and the smell of stinky people who were in his words, "evil". *

I mean, a crown of thorns would suck, but in the end it's always nice to know your'e going to get some serious payback. Although, he did create them the way they were and the plan was for that to happen so it gets a little dicy as to who is really to blame here, but, he did walk on water, so I guess we'll take his word for it. Or rather, the word of the people who wrote down the story of him walking on water. Well, the word of the countless people who transcribed the story that was passed down verbally for god knows how long until someone finally wrote it down. And so on and stuff.

Christians often employ this expression when it comes to important matters in their lives like, which sub par, gay hating, barely credentialed, anti liberal, anti science, right wing, propgandistic, intolerant christian college they are going to. Or, which assault rifle is most suited to hunting tree frogs.

But, life does offer tough choices and sometimes it takes a good crucifixion to put things into perspective. I know what you're thinking, are there good crucifixions? Of course there are.

Whenever my life gets hard I think, well, at least I'm not some delusional, self righteous misogynist that thinks he's god incarnate and will spend the last days of my life being tortured while all my friends take off and come up with some story that will allow them to cash in on my excruciating death.

That always helps.

So, maybe god does care about which college you go to. But yeah, he doesn't. 

It does seem a little more likely that if there was a god, he would be concerned about the millions of people who don't have any food to eat. Or the people with terminal illnesses. Or the millions of people (just like his own son) who suffer from mental illness.

Maybe god doesn't give a shit about you because you don't care about anything that he cares about.  It's very possible that he doesn't want to hear you talking to him anymore because he is tired of listening to you whine about your petty problems while you condemn others for simply living their lives.

I think it is quite possible that if life is a test, as many religious types think it is, that maybe god is testing them. We all know god has a delightful sense of humor.  Maybe he sent one of his newly made angels to earth as a sort of hazing period, you know, just to mess with him a little (after all, being all powerful can get pretty boring). Let him think he was god's son for a laugh. And while he's at it, he'll have this guy tell people that if they don't start saying the right words, have sex the right way, drive large suvs, cry a lot, use the right hand gestures, and wear really ugly t shirts with dumb slogans on them, and make awful music, they will be cast into a bed of hot lava.

I think that would be the greatest practical joke ever. And who but the all powerful creator of practical jokes would be able to pull off such a grand one? Greedy assholes? Most likely. But, for the sake of this hypothesis, we'll say the whole idea was for god to test the "faithful" to find out if they actually were compassionate and would forgo their "inheritance" and stand up for their fallen brothers and sisters.

He might hope that they were able to see the injustice of condemning his creation for being born with an inherited penchant for disobedience. Maybe, they would tell god to go to hell and in return, he would send them to heaven.

Or maybe he would regret not making them smarter.

After all, god does work in mysterious ways.

*I am not passing judgement on this assessment, I think Jesus was right about some stuff.

Keep it Stupid, Simple ummm, Guy.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I were six inches tall. Well, I have never wondered that, but I'm sure some really bored guy has.

I don't know why anyone would want to be six inches tall. Bugs would be way bigger, germs would also be bigger and I'm sure they would kill you more easily.

That's why I hate those "Honey I shrunk the..." movies. Just very unrealistic.

Plus, nobody really likes Rick Moranis, except in the beer movie.

I heard his friends don't really like him because he is mean. I don't know if that's true though, people say things.

I don't think he's religious though, so that's good. You can always redeem yourself by not being religious. Which, incidentally, is kind of ironic. It's not really kind of ironic, it is ironic. Because religion's whole purpose is redemption.

I was religious before. I never felt redeemed though. I never felt bad about all the bad things I did when I was a kid. I was told that I needed to be redeemed a lot. I didn't care. I think the thing I liked most about religion is that it affirmed my belief that humanity is dumb. But that made me wonder if that meant God was dumb.

I didn't do that much bad stuff. I never stole from my friends or anything. Although I stole something from an actual person once. I felt bad, but then my dad stole it from me. I hate when I realize I have things in common with my dad. It happens. But I don't play soccer.

The pope likes soccer, and most of his fans are also soccer fans. I know this because the pope is European and Europeans love soccer.

Jesus wasn't European though, but the pope thinks he was. Some people think Jesus was black.
I don't believe in the soul, so I guess that means Jesus couldn't have been black. Because black people have soul. And I don't think Jesus danced. Basically he just criticized people a lot for having fun. That's not really a black thing either. That's something white people do. So yeah, Jesus must have been white.

Relevant Information Here/hot keyword name dropping

I am very big on marketing myself. This blog is a lesson on how to to get people to find you interesting and relevant. First, people love sex. So say things like, boobs, and orgasm. For the ladies, there is the penis.
Also, people like celebrities. Just go to your favorite search engine, like, google, or... is there another one? God I'm lazy. Anyway, type in, America's most famous celebrities, then post them in order of importance.

Here is the list from Forbes (Forbes is hip right?)

Oprah Winfrey is of course the number one most amazing person ever to live and do things, just ask her.
People love Oprah. Although the people who love Oprah do not typically like me. That's because Oprah is sincere and I am insincere.

Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is very popular
I don't know if she is sincere or not, but she is a "rock star".
Rock stars are rich and happy. They do not do drugs, but they often drive nice cars, like a BMW, Mercedes or a LEXUS!

Next on Forbes list of big shits is Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg is a very busy man and has made many, many movies.
My favorite is Three O'clock High.

But since I'm writing this so I can introduce key words in a semi comedic style I will make a reference to the Transformers and Schindler's List.

I did like Schindler's List though. It's about doing the right thing.

Next we have Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce is a very attractive black woman that skinny white boys really like, especially the younger version.

Then they got Madonna for some reason, oh yeah, its still 1985. Jesus Christ.

Up next is another asshole I don't care about, Taylor Swift. Peace ho.

I'm starting to think Forbes is not as with it as I thought.
Bon Jovi comes in fifth for god knows what reason. Crap, I didn't realize how angry this little project was going to make me.

Ok, so sixth is some tennis player, because obviously tennis players kick ass. Well, the William's sisters, Serena and the other one do at least. But this guy, Roger Federer, well, I haven't heard of him though, I'm sure he's nice.

Ok, so now we're getting somewhere. You knew it was coming, and soon you actually will be.
Justin, efffing Bieber. Do we need jokes about Justin Bieber still? It seems a little redundant.

Ellen DeGeneres is next on the list and I am beginning to realize an important componatent to key wording (I just made that term up).

Relateability

The people that are searching these terms are not going to enjoy my blogs. But, a little heat is a good way to generate capital gains.

So, FUCK YOU. Or whatever.

But yeah, Ellen is tight. I don't watch her show or anything, she just seems cool.

Hugh Jackman, yes! A real man. Wolverine from the X Men! He really knows how to fight.

He has a new movie coming out too, so that should help. I think he "kicks some ass".

God, this is starting to feel like a job.

So this is getting boring and I hate celebrities so I'll just list the next ones and try and say one positive thing about them.

Jennifer Lopez
Puerto Rican

Rihanna
Big ups to Downes Syndrome

Coldplay
Doma was repealed, so they are happy

Tiger Woods
Really knows how to handle his pole

Labron James
This guys kind of a badass
Holy crap, i just realized this is a list of one hundred!

so, since the only reason I'm doing this is to try and get people to read this crap, I'll just list the rest.
Simon Cowell, Katy Perry, David Beckham, Robert Downy Jr., Leonardo DeCaprio, Tyler Perry, Channing Tatum, Koby Bryant, Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Cruise, Mark Walburg, Seth Macfarlane, Donald Trump, Cristiano Ronaldo, Jay Z, Dr. Phil, Glen Beck, Will Smith, (god I hate these people) Ben Affleck, Rush Limbaugh, David Letterman, Lionel Messi...

Ok, I give up.

The Sociopaths Survival Guide

"I know right?"

You've heard it, and you've said it, to be honest, so have I, many times, but the question is, how can we make it stop?

It's not like we want to keep saying it, but we can't help it, its just so... easy.

I know, right?

But why? Why do we do it? Why do we keep saying things without thinking about how harmful they are to society. As the great Karen Carpetner said, "why do we keep hurting each other?" And that is what we are doing, by using this expression, we, as a society, are hurting, each other.

I know, right?

But the problem is deeper than the simple use of seemingly innocuous words. Our lack of depth goes beyond axioms and memes and modes of communication.

What should I wear, how should I talk, what can I do to feel more like an actual member of a society that I have no real connection with? I and many others want to know the answers to these very important questions. 

One helpful hint is to try and find genuine common ground, ask questions like. Hey, do you like food? Me too! What kind? That's great! Let's go there and eat that kind of food that we both enjoy. I like mine extra cripsy. Haha, you're funny.

See how easy that was?

I know, right?

Stop. Just stop.

Talking about others helps, but it only medicates. "She's dumb", "he's gay." Funny stuff, but you're sad, aren't you? It's ok, youre not alone.

Sounds serious doesn't it? Millions of people each day suffer from chronic insincerity. As of yet our scientists have not found a cure, but, there is hope. With the help of people like you, we can make a difference.

Social jargon has serious benefits. To the lazy (and pretty much all Americans are lazy) these words and expressions create a cohesion that in effect allows us to think that the world is a place that actually makes sense. Even the use of words like actually give us greater confidence in our belief that what we are saying is actually important.

I know, right?

The funny thing is, we still say "like" a lot. Like, "she was like", or, "she was all." But people don't use "all" as much as we used to. I am sure at some point, "like" will be replaced with "all". We get bored with expressions, but it does take a long time. Unless of course uncool/ old people in a desperate attempt to not sound "wack" begin to overuse an expression. Sometimes the answer we were looking for was right under our noses all along.