Relevant Information Here/hot keyword name dropping

I am very big on marketing myself. This blog is a lesson on how to to get people to find you interesting and relevant. First, people love sex. So say things like, boobs, and orgasm. For the ladies, there is the penis.
Also, people like celebrities. Just go to your favorite search engine, like, google, or... is there another one? God I'm lazy. Anyway, type in, America's most famous celebrities, then post them in order of importance.

Here is the list from Forbes (Forbes is hip right?)

Oprah Winfrey is of course the number one most amazing person ever to live and do things, just ask her.
People love Oprah. Although the people who love Oprah do not typically like me. That's because Oprah is sincere and I am insincere.

Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is very popular
I don't know if she is sincere or not, but she is a "rock star".
Rock stars are rich and happy. They do not do drugs, but they often drive nice cars, like a BMW, Mercedes or a LEXUS!

Next on Forbes list of big shits is Steven Spielberg.

Steven Spielberg is a very busy man and has made many, many movies.
My favorite is Three O'clock High.

But since I'm writing this so I can introduce key words in a semi comedic style I will make a reference to the Transformers and Schindler's List.

I did like Schindler's List though. It's about doing the right thing.

Next we have Beyonce Knowles
Beyonce is a very attractive black woman that skinny white boys really like, especially the younger version.

Then they got Madonna for some reason, oh yeah, its still 1985. Jesus Christ.

Up next is another asshole I don't care about, Taylor Swift. Peace ho.

I'm starting to think Forbes is not as with it as I thought.
Bon Jovi comes in fifth for god knows what reason. Crap, I didn't realize how angry this little project was going to make me.

Ok, so sixth is some tennis player, because obviously tennis players kick ass. Well, the William's sisters, Serena and the other one do at least. But this guy, Roger Federer, well, I haven't heard of him though, I'm sure he's nice.

Ok, so now we're getting somewhere. You knew it was coming, and soon you actually will be.
Justin, efffing Bieber. Do we need jokes about Justin Bieber still? It seems a little redundant.

Ellen DeGeneres is next on the list and I am beginning to realize an important componatent to key wording (I just made that term up).

Relateability

The people that are searching these terms are not going to enjoy my blogs. But, a little heat is a good way to generate capital gains.

So, FUCK YOU. Or whatever.

But yeah, Ellen is tight. I don't watch her show or anything, she just seems cool.

Hugh Jackman, yes! A real man. Wolverine from the X Men! He really knows how to fight.

He has a new movie coming out too, so that should help. I think he "kicks some ass".

God, this is starting to feel like a job.

So this is getting boring and I hate celebrities so I'll just list the next ones and try and say one positive thing about them.

Jennifer Lopez
Puerto Rican

Rihanna
Big ups to Downes Syndrome

Coldplay
Doma was repealed, so they are happy

Tiger Woods
Really knows how to handle his pole

Labron James
This guys kind of a badass
Holy crap, i just realized this is a list of one hundred!

so, since the only reason I'm doing this is to try and get people to read this crap, I'll just list the rest.
Simon Cowell, Katy Perry, David Beckham, Robert Downy Jr., Leonardo DeCaprio, Tyler Perry, Channing Tatum, Koby Bryant, Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Seacrest, Tom Cruise, Mark Walburg, Seth Macfarlane, Donald Trump, Cristiano Ronaldo, Jay Z, Dr. Phil, Glen Beck, Will Smith, (god I hate these people) Ben Affleck, Rush Limbaugh, David Letterman, Lionel Messi...

Ok, I give up.

The Sociopaths Survival Guide

"I know right?"

You've heard it, and you've said it, to be honest, so have I, many times, but the question is, how can we make it stop?

It's not like we want to keep saying it, but we can't help it, its just so... easy.

I know, right?

But why? Why do we do it? Why do we keep saying things without thinking about how harmful they are to society. As the great Karen Carpetner said, "why do we keep hurting each other?" And that is what we are doing, by using this expression, we, as a society, are hurting, each other.

I know, right?

But the problem is deeper than the simple use of seemingly innocuous words. Our lack of depth goes beyond axioms and memes and modes of communication.

What should I wear, how should I talk, what can I do to feel more like an actual member of a society that I have no real connection with? I and many others want to know the answers to these very important questions. 

One helpful hint is to try and find genuine common ground, ask questions like. Hey, do you like food? Me too! What kind? That's great! Let's go there and eat that kind of food that we both enjoy. I like mine extra cripsy. Haha, you're funny.

See how easy that was?

I know, right?

Stop. Just stop.

Talking about others helps, but it only medicates. "She's dumb", "he's gay." Funny stuff, but you're sad, aren't you? It's ok, youre not alone.

Sounds serious doesn't it? Millions of people each day suffer from chronic insincerity. As of yet our scientists have not found a cure, but, there is hope. With the help of people like you, we can make a difference.

Social jargon has serious benefits. To the lazy (and pretty much all Americans are lazy) these words and expressions create a cohesion that in effect allows us to think that the world is a place that actually makes sense. Even the use of words like actually give us greater confidence in our belief that what we are saying is actually important.

I know, right?

The funny thing is, we still say "like" a lot. Like, "she was like", or, "she was all." But people don't use "all" as much as we used to. I am sure at some point, "like" will be replaced with "all". We get bored with expressions, but it does take a long time. Unless of course uncool/ old people in a desperate attempt to not sound "wack" begin to overuse an expression. Sometimes the answer we were looking for was right under our noses all along. 

Backing, not backing.

Billy Graham is old. But he is still alive. Apparently God does not want him, but pretty soon I guess he'll have to take him because he has been a "good and faithful servant".  I used to think Billy Graham was tite. I used to "back him".  I do not back him anymore and I do not believe in using the expression "backing it".

I do not back it is what I am saying.

I think some people can use the expression, "backing it". Like people who have a "stake" in something. If you have a stake in something you are in effect, "backing it".

This does not apply to sports fans. You are not backing, "your team". You do not have a stake in whether "we win" or not.  Unless you are betting on the game, but that's not exactly what I'm talking about.

So you can not say you are backing your sports team.

If you sell t shirts that have your favorite team on them, then you can back those. That's because you have to "stand by" them.

Standing by things is important. People don't stand by things any more.

Even proffesional people are backing away from standing by stuff. I went to a car dealership the other day and I asked if the car had a good warranty, the salesman said, "I back it". Then he tried to give me a fist bump.

The worst part was that I gave him a fist bump out of habit.

What’s Good… Bruh?

If you drink a lot of water you will be hydrated, as opposed to being dehydrated. As a society we tend to ignore the positive state of hydration. We find that our lives are too busy to need water. I mean, I just had a glass an hour ago.

What a cocky son of a bitch.

I don’t know why we think we’re so great. I mean, our government has weapons that can be controlled remotely and take the lives of some of the greatest threats to civilization the world has ever known. Like, children.

People get alarmed when I talk about children and remotely controlled mutilation devices. We wish the people getting mutilated looked like this

But they don’t, they look like this

But if we are honest we have to admit that all children grow up to be adults, and all adults born in foreign countries are potentially hostile to the American way of life (God be praised).  If we believe in logic and truth as well as goodness and values, we have to come to terms with the fact that there are just wars. Wars that are JUST. Not like, Vietnam was just a war. It was a JUST war, with pride, and love and humanity and cake.

Come to think of it, I haven’t really had a good piece of cake lately. Shit.

So yeah, abortions are wrong because the child isn’t given the chance to be born with original sin thus joining the complicity we all share in the brutal death of this guy who said all people would be much better off if they were to “sell everything they had and give it to the poor.”

God, I’d want that guy dead too. That way I could wait a while, then I could tell people that he was talking to me and that he did mean that you should most definitely sell all your stuff and give it to the poor. Of course he would need my help. It’s not like you could just sell stuff and give the proceeds to an actual person. You’d be much better off giving it to someone you trust. 

schneideradam@yahoo.com

That’s my paypal address, fyi, btw, ftw. 

So with Jesus out of the way, we’re in a much better position to focus on the positive aspects of the word of GOD. Such as, genocide. well, its not called that, its called, “divine retribution.” 

Our God is a jealous God. 

So back to the righteous wars. 

War is good, we all know that. They create revenue for the state and jobs for the people. And when I say people I mean people who once worked for the state and became contractors who sell their services back to the state because when they worked for the state they created a system that depended on wars which depend on the production of goods manufactured by the contractor.  Oh, and oil. 

See, it all comes full circle, like a rainbow if we could see it underground.

Now I am not going to talk about children anymore because children make me sad. They cry and that is sad. They want you to wake up in the middle of the night and feed them, and that makes me sad. They are younger, have better skin, have their whole lives ahead of them, new organs (especially the ones useful in filtering out alcohol) and also they don’t know how emotionally draining this place is. Although… they do tend to “fake the funk.” That is, they cry a lot making it seem like they are experiencing the harsh reality of an economic downturn all the while having a bare breast shoved in their face 80 times a day. 

I can see why Christians hate them so much.

superpooptitious

I am very superstitious.

I do not like it.

I also believe that the universe is a random place where things happen without any reason or forethought, I'm just saying, there is no meaning, we make that part up.

Unless of course you’re a nerdy scientist who finds meaning in randomness. So I did a thing that I thought meant one thing (a thing that is a little scary, like an 80s horror movie. Texas chainsaw massacre? Not one of those boring Saw movies or the insanely hilarious, ummm, Scary Movie, the one with David Cross I guess, I haven't seen it, But David Cross is the GREATEST COMEDIAN OF OUR GENERATION. Well, maybe not, but he's up there for sure) but in actuality meant something else (something very uplifting, like a motivational speaker, David Copperfield is motivational because he married a supermodel and he is a HUGE DORK. If you have a more current reference feel free to send it to the editor).  Even though the significance (based on a rationalization, i.e., a reason to do what I wanted to and not what I was afraid to) had been altered and allowed me to feel more optimistic about the thing, the initial anxiety lingered in the dark corners of my otherwise uninteresting brain.  Now that I was on an enlightened path I figured I could allow myself to enjoy the article in my possession without any stressful occurrences. I just don’t see how a HAT can cause a piece of PIZZA that I bought in the tenderloin (key term) at one o’clock in the morning (also suspicious) to cause my internal organs to erupt in a… well, they erupted. I don’t see how the one could have had anything to do with the other. And, I don’t think it can. But, because of said bowel disruption, the damage has been done. Unfortunate validation of a false assumption and an unrelated conclusion. I mean, its not like my dog’s have bad luck. Other than of course being the pets of someone who is superstitious.

On a side note. According to dorky people who use the word "quantum", a particle can be in multiple places at the same time. So, yeah.

Commercialeesmms

It seems that I had something to say based on the weird title, but this space was blank.


 I don't know why it was blank, it just was. In retrospect, I kind of liked the title so I thought I would try to write something about it. It sounds like I was trying to say that there are effects of commercials that are redundant and can be found in society. Maybe that was more true in the 80s and 90s, I don't know, maybe the 50s, but it might be possible now. I just don't really watch commercials any more.

It seemed like when I was a kid commercials played a bigger part in the development of a universal American culture.  Now we have the internet.  The internet has really screwed up our ability as a people to connect emotionally over marketing.  Although we are not united by a more homogenous culture as we once seemed to be, we are more influenced by marketing now than we ever were.

Marketing is and has been a reflection of who we are as well as a catalyst for creating change and cohesion in society.  I used to really hate advertising. Like, yesterday. But upon reflection, I am not sure that it matters. People like to buy stuff. And, people like to have an image. Marketing offers stuff and an identity of our choosing. Granted they are usually useless and superficial, but pretty much everything in life is useless and superficial. Like, war, government, religion and jobs.

Most people hate their jobs. They look to God to make them feel better. God tells them they are unhappy because of someone else and the government goes to war with them to distract us. That's pretty dumb too. But people take those things very seriously. I would rather wear a pair of headphones that somebody cool endorsed so I can feel important at my crappy job rather than go to war with some random country. Unfortunately the headphones were made by people in countries that we would probably go to war with if we weren't wearing the headphones that they had made. And they're not getting paid enough either.  So that kind of stinks.

Review of tomatoes.

I like tomatoes, especially when they are juicy. I hate when they are white. Not the ones that are supposed to be white of course, those ones are good. Unless they are white like when the red ones are white. The problem with this situation is that even though technically they are supposed to be white, they taste like the red ones do when they are white.  I have been told by some people that the white ones, when they are white like the red ones are white when they are not red like they should be, do not taste any different than they do when they are white like the red ones are when they are red. I do not have enough experience to know the difference so I defer to their expertise.

(I find that when one is unsure of a given thing, that person, even though they have strong feelings concerning the thing, let's say, maybe, like, science, they should admit that they have no idea what the hell they're talking about and make the rational choice, i.e., differ to the scientists. Of course not all scientists know what they are talking about either and are often led by human bias and a lack of objectivity, but, they are working within a system that gives objectivity and empirical evidence special reverence.) 

This is why I typically stick with red tomatoes. Red tomatoes are good, we can all agree on that. There are also green tomatoes, or so i have heard, and some other colors too, but who has the time? I think people like to make things up, especially when it comes to tomatoes. People just make things up in general, because they are unhappy. I make things up because making things up makes me happy. I have not however spoken any untruth, or partial truth, or half truth concerning tomatoes. 

That would not make sense.